Sententia
by the shattered star
Summary: HBP from Draco's point of view. AU, but with canon characterizations. Starts with his thoughts on killing Dumbledore, evolves into much more. Obviously HBP spoilers.
1. Sententia

**A/N So, I wrote this little piece to clear my mind from ****Gray****, the main piece I'm working on now. I hope you like it! Oh yes, and 'sententia' means 'a thought' in Latin. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just the bit where… Well, you'll see ;-)) **

Chapter 1: Sententia... Éist le mo chroí  
Go brónach a choích  
Tá mé cailte gan tú  
's do bhean cheile  
An grá mór I do shaoil  
Threoraí sí me.  
Bígí liomsa i gconaí  
Lá's oích. Ag coaineadh ar an uaigneas mór  
Na deora, go brónach  
Na gcodladh ins an uaigh ghlas chiúin  
Faoi shuimhneas, go domhain -- Smaointe, Enya

**I watch my feel shuffle. They are taking me somewhere; I don't know where. I find myself by the lake. There are people around me. I glare at them darkly, wishing for them to leave and they go scuttling. I smirk and look back to the lake; the water is dark and dreary under the grey English sky.**

_**Please, please, **_**I think to myself, **_**Don't let Dumbledore get that bottle of champagne. **_**I hate him. I hate Dumbledore. But I don't want to be the one to kill him. I would rather have someone else do it. Someone who'd get pleasure from it. **

**I was ecstatic when the Dark Lord gave me the task… But now… Now I don't know – No! I do know; I **_**will **_**succeed in killing him! I must. **

**I pull my knees up to my chest and stare at the grass, its blades bowing to the lake. I can't believe what this has come to. What have I become? Who is this person who curses people to poison champagne? How can he try to kill people? I've lost myself. I don't know who I am. Ever since I was a small child, I'd always imagined joining the Death Eaters, killing Muggles and mudbloods, savoring each kill. Making the world a better place. But how can I do that if I can't even kill an old man who's half mad? **

** I hear a faint laugh and I raise my head. Who could be laughing now? The Dark Lord is back, people have gotten hurt at Hogwarts, how could anyone laugh? I remember something. Oh yes. Greyback. How thick is he? How can he think I'd let him near Hogwarts? I wouldn't even wish Potter the bite. Possibly the mudblood… **

**The mudblood. That was who had laughed. I see her toss her hair over her shoulder, talking with Pot-head and King Weasel. Know-it-all filthy mudblood. How can she – pardon me, **_**it**_** – live with itself? I wonder who she stole her magic from. Poor wizard, left without any magic. I hear a small whisper in my mind; **_**Do you really believe they steal magic? **_**it asks quietly. **_**Of course! **_**I answer, **_**How else would they get magic? **_**Where did that come from? Am I questioning the Dark Lord's teachings? No, of course not. It's just that this task seems impossible and I was facing a moment of weakness. In addition to this, I'm hungry. I drag myself up and head towards the castle, holding my head up proudly. I **_**am, **_**after all, a Malfoy.**

**The Great Hall is packed with people, waiting for lunch to be served. I seat myself at the Slytherin table next to Crabbe and Goyle.**

**"Draco," they greet me. **

**"Hello," I reply regally. As usual, they serve me just as Crabbes and Goyles have served Malfoys for centuries. "Thank you," I say as soon as my plate is full. I don't like this. Their serving me is repulsive, like slaves. I don't mind when the person serving me is a lower creature, a House Elf for instance, but it seems cruel for humans to have to do things like this. This is, after all, the third millennium. I wouldn't mind if a mudblood had to serve me; they are just as good as animals in any case. I see Pansy approaching.**

**"Hello darling," she drawls, her hands lingering on my chest. I take her hands in mine and look at her face. She's beautiful. Her hair, brown and thin, lands on my face while she kisses me. It's a slow kiss. Although, we both know that the only reason we're dating is because my father would like me to get married to her. It's rather disturbing to think that Pansy will be my children's mother. **

**"Hey love," I whisper back, cradling her cheek with my hand. I wonder what it would be like to actually fall in love. To not have an arranged marriage from the moment you were born, but to actually be able to fall in love with someone, and not have to **_**act**_**.**

**I'm torn away from my thoughts when Pansy sits uncomfortably close to me. Goyle has moved away from me to give her room. He looks away as he should when she is around me. **

**Lunch passes quickly with Pansy murmuring her words of 'love' to me. **_**You don't love me, I don't love you. Nor do I lust for you, **_**I think loudly, wishing she could hear my words. The kissing doesn't bother me as much as her words of love do. They're things like 'Draco, you're so dashing today dearest,' and 'Love is blind, but it need not be.' Can't she even speak without using clichés? This does not take away from her beauty, but I'm not completely sure as to whether or not she can think straight…**

**Defense Against the Dark Arts is next. Perfect, Snape. I can have some time to plan in case the champagne fails. The classroom is full by the time I get there but Snape pays me no attention. I can almost hear the class's protests, begging Snape to give me detention.**

**My seat is close to the door. I sit down and take out a spare bit of parchment, a quill and pot of black ink. I dip the quill in ink but can think of nothing to write. What is there to write? I can hardly title it ****Ways to Kill Dumbledore****, now can I? I doodle idly on the page, wondering what to do. There's no point in paying attention to what Snape's saying; I already know all of it. See mudblood, people can be equally clever without looking like sodding beavers when they raise their hands!**

**I keep doodling until class is finished. I look down to find that I've drawn a rather realistic looking lynx. I quickly crumple the paper into a ball and stick it in my pocket. I decide to skip class as I've gotten nowhere with my plans. I smirk, thinking about the hell people who have room mates must face each day. My room is dark and silent as I settle down on my bed, the shadows seem to elongate as I do so, as if foreshadowing my doom. I glare at them, and then berate myself for being so paranoid.**

**I sit in the silence for more than an hour, thinking. What can I do? That bottle of champagne is my last hope. The necklace hadn't worked, and although I had laughed about for several minutes after the half-blood had gotten hurt, it hurt the wrong person. I wonder if Dumbledore has the faintest idea that I'm trying to kill him… Probably not, moronic old bleeder. **

**Dinner comes too quickly. I walk down to the Great Hall and sit, stone faced, at the Slytherin table. Pansy, as usual, greets me with a kiss and sit beside me again. She keeps murmuring, but I wish she would shut up. I need silence to think. I think I may need to visit Knockturn Alley again… I've run out of cursed objects.**

**I eat quickly and head back upstairs to do a bit of homework. Normally I wouldn't bother, father's money keeps the professors of my back, but tonight I don't want to think. Don't want to realize what I've become. Don't want to breathe.**

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**It's morning. I get out of bed and bathe quickly. I dress in the usual white dress shirt, black trousers and green tie and throw my robes over them. Another tedious day of classes has arrived. **

**Breakfast passes quickly. I have Defense Against the Dark Arts again. I arrive to class late, as usual, and plan a bit more. I really have nothing to do; the champagne is supposed to reach Dumbledore tonight, so all I have to do is wait. Perfect.**

**I lounge around in my room until lunch; I decide, if the champagne works, there's no point in going to classes if Dumbledore's going to die today. I shiver when I think about what could happen if the champagne doesn't work… He'll kill me this time, I'm sure. I hold my head in my hands and slouch in a chair. I can't do this. I must accept it; I don't want Dumbledore to die! At least, not by my hand. I jump out of the chair and head outside. I need a walk.**

**It's pleasant today, warm. By all means it should be cold. After all, this is the day hell freezes over, right? This is the day Dumbledore's going to die… I hope. Don't I? Hell and damnation, this is aggravating!**

** Suddenly, I spot someone coming towards me. She looks angry. It's the mudblood! What's she doing walking towards someone like **_**me?**_** She knows I think she and her entire race should be wiped out…**

**"Malfoy, you arrogant bastard!" she screams, approaching me.**

**"Yes?" I ask politely, not bothering to get up from my sitting position.**

**"Don't speak! Don't even breathe. Have you any idea what you've just done?" she asks me in a deadly tone of voice. **

**"I have a feeling I'm about to find out," I say dryly, shuddering at the fact that I'm talking to he-- it.**

**"I know your secret Malfoy. I know what the Dark Lord has asked you to do," she says, still whispering. I go cold. Is it possible that she knows? No, how would she know?**

**"I have no idea what you're talking about mudblood," I snap. I smirk with pleasure when she flinches at the word. After all, it's what she is. It's not as if I can change that.**

**"You have been assigned to kill Dumbledore." I freeze. How does she know? No don't. Don't let her know that she's gotten to you.**

**"I wish," I say, glaring at her coldly.**

**"Don't lie, you idiotic excuse for a human. I know that Voldemort ordered you to. Guess why," she asks, although the question is more like a statement.**

**"Pray tell," I say, giving her a patronizing look. She glares back into my eyes. Even her eyes look like mud!**

**"As we speak, Ron is in the hospital wing being treated for poisoning. Do you know how he got poisoned? By a bottle of champagne that was to be delivered to Dumbledore. Don't deny it Malfoy, it was you." I am silent.**

**"You. Are. Mad." I say, enunciating every word clearly. "If I **_**was **_**out to kill Dumbledore, I wouldn't need to use a sodding bottle of champagne to do it!"**

**"Right. Remember this Malfoy," she says, spitting my name. "Be glad Ron's not dead, for if he was, I'd kill you right now." She takes a step closer to me and puts her face directly in front of mine. I resist the temptation to wince and instead, I squint my eyes at her threateningly. "You're life will be hell from now on. I don't have to do anything; I trust Voldemort can think up of a reasonable punishment for you. The Crutiatius Curse at least. I hope you enjoy it. Ah yes, and think of me when you're at death's door and are begging to be killed," she breathes, whipping her face back to its original position. I continue glaring at her, waiting for her to break eye contact. I know it's juvenile, but psychologically speaking, it gives me the upper hand. She finally looks away and turns on her heel, heading back into the castle.**

**How long can I keep this a secret? The Dark Lord will soon find out that I've failed him again and then… Damn that mudblood! I feel no remorse for almost killing a Weasley, they all deserve to die anyways. All of them. Blood traitors, mudbloods and Muggles alike. I go back to my room and commence plotting again.**

Aoibhneas a bhí  
Ach d'ímigh sin  
Sé lean tú  
Do fhear cheile  
An grá mór i do shaoil  
Threoraí sé mé  
Bígí liomsa i gconaí  
Lá's oích. Ag coaineadh ar an uaigneas mór  
Na deora, go brónach  
Na gcodladh ins an uaigh ghlas chiúin  
Faoi shuimhneas, go domhain

-- Smaointe, Enya

**A/N So, did you like it? Hate it? Let me know! Should I continue this as a story, or is it good just as a one-shot? Note that if I **_**do **_**continue it, I won't get to it for a while as I'm currently working on ****Gray****. Please review! Smaointe does not belong to me. It belongs exclusively to Enya. ~ the shattered star **


	2. Twisted Logic

**A/N Alright, I know I said this was going to be a one-shot, but I couldn't help myself! Read the below A/N for details.**

**Thanks: To Coldplay, for inspiring the title of this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: The plot's mine and you can't have it, and everything besides Draco belongs to JKR. Draco, as is a well known fact, belongs exclusively to himself… and the Dark Lord. Oh yes, and I'm not one for song-fics, but this fit so perfectly, I had to use it! Right, so the amazing song ****Twisted Logic**** belongs to Coldplay.**

**Chapter 2: Twisted Logic**

Sunlight opened up my eyes  
To see for the first time, it opened them up.  
And tonight rivers will run dry  
Not for the first time rivers will run  
Hundreds of years in the future,  
There could be computers looking for life on Earth  
Don't fight for the wrong side  
Say what you feel like  
Say how you feel  
You go backwards but then you go forwards again  
You go backwards but then you go

-- Twisted Logic, from the album X&Y by, Coldplay

**He's finally gone. I attempt to sit up but find that I can't. I lay, stiff on the floor, waiting for death to take me. I can almost hear the mudblood's words in my ear; **think of me when you're at death's door and are begging to be killed** she had said. Rather, whispered. Damn her to hell. **_**Which is exactly where you'll be going, **_**I think cynically.**

**Because the Dark Lord didn't kill me, I know that he still expects me to complete the task. But I can't. I'm on the floor of my room, waiting to die. How can I possibly kill someone while I'm dying? I feel my stomach lurch. The blood comes gushing out of my mouth, a river of red. Is that green there too? I can't live through this; with bile and blood streaming out of me, how much longer do I have? A few minutes, hours possibly? My only hope is that someone will find me here on the floor. And that's no hope at all. After all, the Dark Lord has probably ordered everyone, that is, everyone who works for him, to stay away from my room.**

**So that accounts for all the Slytherins. The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws don't even deserve to be mentioned. As for the Gryffindors, what would they be doing here? I am going to die, alone, on the floor. Without ever loving anyone, without ever being loved by someone. What was that? Since when do I care about loving or being loved? I've been fine my entire life without love. It's a weakness… Another excuse. **

**Here it comes, I can feel the darkness enveloping me. I have seconds left to me. And I accept my fate; what can I do? I have nothing to say in my last moments, nothing I want to do. No one I want to thank, nothing I want to say. This is life. This is real.**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**So this is death. It's not as bad as I had thought it would be… I always thought that when one died, they didn't have thoughts; clearly, I was wrong. My eyes are closed; I can't see anything. I don't want to open them, don't want to see hell, but I know I'll have to. As much as I'd like to, I can't close myself off from the one place I'll be for the rest of eternity.**

**One. Two. Three. I force my eyes open. I always assumed that hell would be black, or at least dark, so it came as a shock to me when I saw light. Everything is white. There isn't a trace of black anywhere. How is this possible? Could it be that maybe, just maybe, I ended up in… heaven?**

**I look around, shocked. It looks a lot like the Hospital Wing. Strange… I always imagined heaven to look more like a grassy field. An endless plane, with no boundaries in sight. A place where souls could be free.**

**I move my hands, trying to feel what I'm on. It feels like a mattress. I push up with them. Immediately, instantaneously, an almost blinding pain comes over me. I let out a loud cry and fall back down on the bed. This can't be heaven, this is some sick joke. The concept of heaven is amusing. This is hell, I know. Being forced to be in eternal pain forever sounds hellish enough.**

**But wait, someone is approaching. Am I not the only one destined to be here? **

**"Potion," the woman mutters. It's Madame Pomfrey. What's she doing here? She's not dead… Is she? Or wait… Am I dead? Is there a chance that…**

**"Am I dead?" I ask civilly. Pomfrey stares at me for a moment and then responds.**

**"No. You're in the Hospital Wing. Someone brought you in here,"**

**"Might I know whom?" I ask as if directing the question towards a two-year old.**

**"I'm not permitted to tell you," she answers curtly. Ah. It must've been either Crabbe or Goyle who brought me up here. Problem solved. Now… What to do about not being dead. Instead, I'm alive and… well on a hospital bed. Most people would prefer this to being dead. But I'm not so sure.**

**"When can I leave?" I inquire politely.**

**"In two days," she replies curtly. At least she's not being warm. That would be disturbing. I nod my head and turn on my side away from the woman. She's probably a half blood or something of a less than pleasant nature. Horrid.**

**I can't help but wonder… The mudblood had said that she would make me pay. Was it possible that she was outside my room that night and… No! Why would she ever do anything of a decent nature? She's a bloody mudblood!**

**I fall asleep.**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**"Dearest?" I hear a voice at my right. Pansy? Damn it, I completely forgot about her. **

**"Pansy?" I groan. I want to go back to sleep, but since when do my needs matter? We both hold amicable feelings towards each other, nothing more, so why does she keep up this… this **_**act**_**?**

**"Draco!" she squeals. I often wonder if she has bipolar, being completely sweet one second and then squealing the next. I do not need the squealing right now; the blinding headache I've had to endure for the last few hours is punishment enough. I would complain to Pomfrey, but I know I don't deserve medicine. The Dark Lord punished me for a reason, I accept that. In fact, I probably deserve worse than this. It's thanks to bloody Granger that I'm not dead now. Well bravo to her.**

**Death. If the Dark Lord thought I deserved it, he would've killed me; hence, I don't think I need to take any drastic actions. What is wrong with me? I'd prefer death over life? Is this what my life has come to? And the Dark Lord… I… Why has he tethered me so? What control does he have over me? The fact that he almost killed me **_**must **_**count for something. **_**It's because you deserved it Draco, **_**a voice snaps in my head.**

**"Draco?" Pansy inquires, not entirely sure as to why I'm silent.**

**"Sorry Pansy, I just need to sleep for a bit OK?" I say. I watch her nod and leave. I can guess what she's thinking. **

** The fact remains, the Dark Lord almost killed me. Almost. I linger there, hoping that means something. Hoping I'm not going mad. Hoping I'm not possessed. **_**You're an arrogant bastard. What control can he have over you? **_**asks a voice in my head. It's true; he has no control over me, I just believe strongly in his cause. I **_**will **_**kill Dumbledore. I can't risk anything more, so I'll have to use the cupboard. Damn it. I was hoping I wouldn't need to use my last resort. I know if I use it, Greyback will want to enter the school. A sudden thought strikes me. What will my father think?**

**I know if the Dark Lord doesn't kill me for failing, father will. Nothing is ever good enough for the man. **

**Sleep over comes me, calling me to its dark shores. I oblige.**

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**Consciousness comes with a price; Pomfrey's hovering over me again. **

**"May I go?" I ask, trying to be as polite as possible. I just want to get out of this place I had thought was hell.**

**"Yes, b—. Yes," she blurts. I wonder briefly what she was going to say, but then banish the thought. It's not as if I give a damn about what she thinks. All that matters is what I think.**

**I strut out of the Hospital Wing, struggling not to limp. I'm still in pain, but I won't tell Pomfrey. I know I deserve this. I didn't bother buttoning up my shirt as I left the infirmary, and I smirk at the girls staring with open mouths at my chest. Idiots. **

**My room is how I left it; clean, immaculate and cold. I stare at the floor after entering, trying to block out the emotions that are racing through my body right now. Ignore it; they'll soon pass. But not soon enough. I give a small cough and then start retching. The vomit comes out of my mouth in a stream. The bile burns my tongue and throat as it makes its way out of my body. **

**My stomach heaves, and I gulp in air desperately, until my stomach has nothing left in it. I use my wand to quickly clean up all the vomit and then decide to take a shower. **

**I take my time, knowing that I don't have to go to classes today if I don't feel well. I dress in a crisp black shirt, black trousers and black tie. I throw my robes over my clothes and make my way out of the bathroom. **

**The bed welcomes me as I throw myself upon it. I hear its ancient wooden legs creak with weight. I lie on my stomach, put my hands to my temples and close my eyes in thought. I don't know what to do. I know the world would be a better place without Dumbledore, but do I have to be the one to do it? If it was free, I'd love to kill him. But I'm not sure if I'm willing to risk my soul for him, my conscious.**

**I let my head fall to the soft bed and I breathe in the scent of the bed. It's musty, and smells like wood and mold. I wonder how old the bed is. Does it matter?**

**I roll on my side and loosen my tie. I've made up my mind; I'm not going to go to class today. I let the tie drape over my shoulders as I lie on my back, staring up at the ceiling. It's painted silver and green, painted snakes twined around the corners of the room.**

**I can't think. Not now. Instead, I decide to go down to lunch. I tie my tie and tighten it, pulling it against my throat. I rub the back of my neck as I get out of the bed, and I walk down to the Great Hall. I'm rather early; there's almost no one there. I pile food on my plate, thinking about how this is the first time in six years I've served myself, and sit down. I stare at the plate in front of me and then I look up. I see Dumbledore's twinkling eyes. The bleeder looks like he's drunk. Idiot. I take a bite while staring at him and then look back down.**

**Within a few moments, Crabbe and Goyle come and join me. They look rather lost upon seeing me, as if unsure as to what to do. I don't know if it's because of the food, or because…**

**"Which one of you brought me to the Hospital Wing two days ago?" I ask sharply. They need to be spoken to as such; they aren't exactly people one would call intelligent.**

**"Huh? Neither of us did. Did we?" Crabbe asks Goyle densely.**

**"Nope," Goyle replies. It couldn't be… Surely not **_**her! **_**I am silent, and I don't look at Crabbe or Goyle as they stare at my food, as if wondering how it got there. Did the mudblood save my life? No… She knows my secret, why would she save me?**

**That brings me to another question: how did she know? How **_**could **_**she have known? Does the order have a spy on our side? What if… No. Snape would never betray us like that. But then… How does she know? I hear a laugh coming from the entrance of the Great Hall. It's her – pardon, it. Along with its usual crowd.**

**I glare at it, shooting daggers through my piercing stare. She finally catches sight of me and quickly looks away. I can not believe this; I shall have to **_**speak **_**to it later on. Damn this! Why me? Why me…**

Created then drilled and invaded  
If somebody made it someone will mess it up  
And you are not wrong to  
Ask who does this belong to  
It belongs to all of us  
You go backwards but then you go forwards again  
You go backwards but then you go forwards  
You go backwards but then you go forwards again  
You go backwards but then you go forwards

-- Twisted Logic, from the album X&Y by, Coldplay

**A/N So, what do you think of my decision to continue this fic and make it… Dun dun! A story! Tell me your thoughts; I'd like to know what you think. So basically, REVIEW! (please) Alright, thanks to all who have/will (reviewed that is.) Bye and bisous ~ the shattered star **


	3. Epiphany

**A/N Voici, another chapter of Sententia. I hope you enjoy it!**

**Thanx to: Muse, you really were my muse for this chapter. You electrify my life.**

**Disclaimer: I only own the plot; everything else belongs to JKR. Also, Epiphany does not belong to me. It belongs solely to Stephen Sondheim. Also, a lot of this is direct text from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It does not belong to me.**

**Chapter 3: Epiphany**

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit  
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit  
And the vermin of the world inhabit it.  
But not for long...  
They all deserve to die.  
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.  
Because in all of the whole human race  
Mrs. Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two  
There's the one staying put in his proper place  
And the one with his foot in the other one's face  
Look at me, Mrs. Lovett, look at you.

— Epiphany, by Stephen Sondheim, from Sweeney Todd

**The mudblood deserves to go to hell.** **How dare she! How could she drag me from my room and into the Hospital Wing? Damn this. I shall have to confront her. I can't decide which is more appealing, confronting the mudblood, or dying. I decide to eat before… **_**speaking **_**to her – it.**

**The food on my plate vanishes within minutes. I get up and glare at the mudblood again. How am I going to speak to it in privately; without Potty and Weasel King? The stupid mudblood doesn't realize I'm glaring at her. She refuses to look up. Damn her. Finally. Her head raises and she meets my glare. She mouthes something… It looks like **_**'I'll meet you in the corridor in five minutes,' **_**but I could be wrong… I get up and leave the Great Hall, venturing out into the cold, dark corridors, surrendering myself to their solitude. I don't have time for this. After all, it doesn't matter. I'm alive, and someone saved me. Can't I be content with that? No, I know I can't. I need to know if the mudblood saved me; if she didn't, everything changes. But… If she saved me, I'll owe her. I'll owe her my life. No! No I don't, she's beneath me, lower in so many ways! The mudblood doesn't even belong on this earth; I don't owe her anything.**

**"Malfoy?" I hear a voice to my left. I turn slowly to find the mudblood there, her head held high. I walk towards her, smirking as she backs away unconsciously.**

**"What?" I bark. She flinches. I smile, knowing I have the upper hand here. Power. The only thing worth living for. Power over everything, over everyone. It's why the Dark Lord is where he is.**

**"You know," the mudblood replies coolly, her eyes starting to light with flames. I quickly put them out with another cruel smirk. She's losing confidence.**

**"Do I? How should I know? I was almost dead. By all means, I should be," I say, coldly, slowly, giving the mudblood to register every word. She flinches, at my tone, I'm certain.**

**"You know exactly why we're standing here. I know you're not **_**that **_**thick Malfoy," she spits out my name as if it's poison on her tongue. If only…**

**"Pray tell, mudblood," I say, watching her wince at the word. **

**"You know I saved you from death," she hisses. "If not for me, you'd be dead now!" Does she want something from me? Whatever it is, I can't give it to her. If things get too… **_**complicated**_**, I shall just have to dispose of her. I struggle not to cringe. I don't kill like the others do. I find no perverse pleasure in killing. My only purpose is to rid the world of mudbloods and Muggles; if I could avoid it, I would never kill. But then, how does that work? I'm torn away from my thoughts when I realize that the mudblood is waiting for an answer.**

**"What do you want from me?" I ask venom tainting my voice. After all, what **_**can **_**she want from me? **

**"Nothing," she whispers. She bites her lip before she continues, "I just… I want to help you." I stare at her. She wants to help me? Unless… God, no. She **_**pities**_** me? How can this be! Have I sunk that low? A **_**mudblood **_**pities me?! How did this happen? How could this happen… I don't understand, she despises me; how is it possible to despise someone and pity them at the same time? I continue to stare at, waiting for her to break away. Finally, after what seems like an age, she does. My neck hurts, but I keep my head in the same position.**

**"How could **_**you **_**help me?" I ask, pushing the words out of me. The mudblood stares. **

**"Dumbledore knows your task. He can help you, make you disappear. You **_**and **_**your family," she whispers, her eyes scared, as if she's already said too much.**

**"You're lying," I spit. Dumbledore doesn't know, Dumbledore **_**can't **_**know. How would he anyhow? It's not as if he has a spy on our side. The Dark Lord would surely know if he did.**

**"I'm not!" she cries, a cry of desperate hope. I can see the truth on her face, but I know she's lying. If Dumbledore knows, everything I've lived for, everything I've ever done, was in vain. **

**"Mudblood, why are you here?" I drawl. "Surely, even you know that there is nothing you can do." I am careful to avoid contractions; it intimidates people. I watch the mudbloods face crumple in rage.**

**"I do have a name Malfoy. I don't go addressing you by your blood status," she snaps, her head dangerously close to mine. **_**Only because it's a complement in my case, **_**I think scathingly. I say nothing aloud; I decide it's best not to dignify that point with an answer.**

**"You will never believe me, no matter what I do, will you," the mudblood says. I smirk in answer. Her face hardens, all thought of pity gone. "Then I shall only reiterate what I said before; think of me when you're at death's door and are begging to be killed."**

**I continue looking into the mudblood's murky eyes, waiting for her to turn away. "Oh!" she cries in frustration. She struts off and leaves me standing in the corridor, alone in the dark again. Why would she want to help me? I don't understand… She loves Dumbledore. Or rather, she should. After all, she's practically Weasel King's girlfriend. I shrug off the thought; I have more important things to worry about, such as how I'm going to kill Dumbledore. In the mean time, I decide to go to class.**

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**I don't know why I bother going to class; it's not as if I learn anything. To top everything off, I must go to a 'party' hosted by Slughorn. Wonderful. I start on homework, but quickly get bored. Instead, I listen to my wireless for a bit in front of the fire.**

**I decide to dress somber for the party. I'm not in the mood for cheery. I dress in all black and tighten my gray tie until it's almost strangling me. I head out, my robes flying out behind me, making me look like some kind of villain. Which, I suppose, I am. I hope Snape won't be there; he's been trying to help me recently. He refuses to believe I have matters well under control.**

**The party is loud. I don't speak to anyone and glare at anyone who attempts to approach me. They quickly back away, as if being glared at by a vampire. I nibble on some food and try to avoid the mudblood and Potter. I'm not in the mood for a fight; I'd rather be plotting right now. And there he is. It's Snape.**

**"Draco. We must speak." I follow my godfather out of the room and into the dungeons, his preferred spot. "You cannot afford mistakes Draco, because if you are expelled—" he starts. **

**I know what he's talking about. The wine. "I had nothing to do with it, all right?" I cut in. It's best for him to know nothing of my plans. I don't want him getting hurt. Snape is possibly one of two human beings I feel any respect for. The other being my father. I feel no respect for the Dark Lord, only fear.**

**"I hope you are telling the truth, because it was both clumsy and foolish. Already you are suspected of having a hand in it." By whom? Who could possibly think that it was me? Besides the mudblood… If she told anyone of her suspicions… This could be the end. But no, says my realistic side, if she had, I'd be in Dumbledore's office right now, not the dark, damp dungeons.**

**"Who suspects me?" I burst out. "For the last time, I didn't do it, OK? Weasel King must've had an enemy no one knows about – don't look at me like that!" I cry at the look of disdain on Snape's face. "I know what you're doing," I whisper. "I'm not stupid, but it won't work – I can stop you!" I know Snape's trying to perform my task for me. But I lied; I don't know whether it's to his own advantage or to save my soul.**

**"Ah… Aunt Bellatrix has been teaching you Occlumency, I see. What thoughts are you trying to conceal from your master Draco?" he asks snidely. I stare at him in shock. It's not like him to be so… **_**against **_**me. I quickly reply.**

**"I'm not trying to conceal anything from **_**him, **_**I just don't want **_**you **_**butting in!" I yell. However, it's not for the reasons one might think; I'm only trying to protect him. After all, if he killed Dumbledore for me, one can only guess what torture he'd go through. Let alone the hell I'd face.**

**"So that is why you have been avoiding me this term? You realize that, had anybody else failed to come to my office when I had repeatedly told them to be there, Draco—"**

**"So put me in detention! Report me to Dumbledore!" I cut in, mad at how Snape's reacting to all of this. It's not as if I've been enjoying my life; no, instead, I've been forced to run from it.**

**"You know perfectly well that I do not wish to do either if those things." **

**"You'd better stop telling me to come to your office then," I spit back, wondering how long this can take. **

**"Listen to me," starts Snape in a low voice, "I am trying to help you. I swore to your mother under the Unbreakable Vow, Draco—"**

**"Looks like you'll just have to break it then, because I don't need your protection! It's my job, he gave it to me and I'm doing it, I've got a plan and it's going to work, it's just taking a bit longer than I thought it would!" Not exactly true, but Snape can't know that, can he?**

**"What is your plan?"**

**"It's none of your business!" I spit at him.**

**"If you tell me what you are trying to do, I can assist you—"**

**"I've got all the assistance I need, thanks, I'm not alone!" I say, thinking once again back to the vanishing cabinet.**

**"You were certainly alone tonight, which was foolish of you in the extreme, wandering the corridors without lookouts or backups, these are elementary mistakes—"**

**"I would've had Crabbe and Goyle with me if you hadn't put them in detention!" I bust out. It's **_**his **_**fault, not mine.**

**"Keep your voice down! If your friends Crabbe and Goyle intend to pass their Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. this time around, they will need to work a little harder than they are doing at pres—"**

**"What does it matter?" I almost scream. "Defense against the Dark Arts – it's all just a joke, isn't it, an act? Like any of us need protecting against the Dark Arts—"**

**"It is an act that is crucial to success Draco! Where do you think I would have been all these years if I had not known how to act? Now listen to me! You are being incautious, wandering around at night, getting yourself caught, and if you are placing your reliance in assistants like Crabbe and Goyle—"**

**"They're not the only ones, I've got other people on my side, better people!" I cry, thinking of Greyback and repressing the urge to wince.**

**"Then why not confide in me, and I can—"**

**"I know what you're up to! You want to steal my glory!" I yell. Wait, what was that? I want to yell out, to take it back. But I can't.**

**"You are speaking like a child," Snape said, his words icy, and cold. "I quite understand your father's capture and imprisonment has upset you, but—"**

**No. He mentioned my father. I stride out the door, not looking back. How dare he? How dare he even speak of my father, the man who gave me hell for so many years, and yet, the only other man I respect, a man who is better than him in so many ways. A man who went to Azkaban for the Dark Lord. It's more than Snape has done, and probably more than he will ever do. It's only a matter of time before he is… **_**disposed of **_**by the Dark Lord.**

**I strut back to the party, knowing that I must be seen there to avoid suspicion. I don't see any sign of Potter, but the mudblood is still here, alive and well. I narrow my eyes at her, but I can't help but wonder why she's here. Alone that is; I've never seen her apart from her two comrades. I know she and Weasel King are in a dispute, any idiot could tell with the circles under his eyes, and the hurt look on her face. But I thought after the poison… What concern is it of mine?! It's not. I should be concentrated on my task and how I'm going to carry it through. **

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**Waking up is painful. I shiver in the cold February morning. I quickly get out of bed and make my way to the washroom, shivering all the way, wishing for the cold to disappear. I take a hot shower and dress, donning the usual school uniform.**

**The walk down to the Great Hall is silent. I watch people glancing at me, some of them curling their lips, others blushing. I ignore them all, my face stony as I march down to breakfast. **

**The Great Hall is silent today. I can't imagine why though; with everything that's been happening it should be buzzing with chatter. I don't care either way. I sit, and before Crabbe or Goyle can do anything, I grab a croissant. It warms my hand, as if reassuring me that I've done the right thing. But why? Why don't I let Crabbe or Goyle serve me as they always have? What's changed?**

**I scarf down the sweet bread and leave the room, not bothering to look back. I am welcomed back into the corridors by a cool breeze. Ahh, the cold. It calms me, makes me feel exhausted. ****I close my eyes lazily, letting the cold overwhelm me, letting it take me somewhere else.**

**"Malfoy!" My eyes open hurriedly. I look around, trying to find the source of the sound, and find myself face to face with… the mudblood. Of course. What now?**

**"I know Malfoy. You can't deny it. I admit, Dumbledore never told us anything, but you… Harry heard you talking to Snape last night," the mudblood hisses, sounding like a snake. I repress the urge to shudder, knowing it will make me look vulnerable. No, they still don't have proof. And better yet, if the old bleeder never told them about my task, he doesn't know. The bastard still has no idea, no inkling of what's coming to him.**

**"How is that proof?" I ask, smirking lazily at the pout that appears on her face. She has no idea. She still has no proof.**

**"It— well, it just… It's enough!" she bursts out. "I cannot believe you, you filthy piece of shit." I raise my eyebrows at that, wondering if she knows what I consider **_**her**_** to be. "How can you? How can you conspire to end a man's life?" she whispers to me, her face imploring, begging me to stop.**

**"I manage," I whisper back, my face daring her to contradict me.**

**"You sicken me," she spits out, her face crumpling. "You're destroying yourself! Don't you see what you're becoming?" she asks, begging me again. Although, her voice sounds rather uncertain, as if she's not sure whether or not she should even be talking to me. I will for her to go away, but know that I must say something first.**

**"Why, mudblood," I begin, smirking as she winces, "This is what I've always been." Silence. Nothing, no one says a word. People in the corridors ignore us, passing us by as if we don't exist. The mudblood takes one more look at my face, then, her face crumpling in rage, runs away, heading back to the Great Hall. Strangles enough, I feel my heart twinge. Guilt. I'm feeling guilt. How can I feel guilt? I have no feeling. This is now. This is real. I ignore the temptation of going to class, and instead, head towards the Room of Requirement, sealing my fate.**

No, we all deserve to die  
Tell you why, Mrs. Lovett, tell you why.  
Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief  
For the rest of us death will be a relief.

[…]  
We all deserve to die. Not one man, no, nor ten men.  
Nor a hundred can assuage me.  
I will have you!  
And I will get him back even as he gloats  
In the meantime I'll practice on less honorable throats.  
[…]

But the work waits!  
I'm alive at last!  
And I'm full of joy!

-- Epiphany, by Stephen Sondheim, from Sweeney Todd

**A/N Was that too melodramatic? I liked it! Did you? Let me know by REVIEWING. Thanks. So, **_**'**__**t**__**o die, to sleep; — to sleep, perchance to dream' **_**is from Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 1 by William Shakespeare. Obviously, it doesn't belong to me. Alright, leave a review! Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	4. Stirrings

**A/N and Disclaimer: I own none of this. Sorry, gotta keep this A/N short; it's late here!**

**Chapter 4: Stirrings in the Night**

Declare this an emergency  
come on and spread a sense of urgency  
and pull us through  
and pull us through  
and this is the end  
this is the end  
of the world  
and it's time we saw a miracle  
come on, it's time for something biblical  
to pull us through  
and pull us through

-- Apocalypse Please, Muse

**The Room of Requirement is cold. It could be warm if I wanted it to be, but I prefer to be numb; a rock, unfeeling. I breathe in deeply when I enter the room, welcoming the sight of the bust with the crown, and the books, and the unorganized manor everything's just been placed here. It calms me, as if assuring me that I'm doing the right thing. **

**The bust looks at me, as if asking me whether or not I should kill the mudblood. I stare back at it, contemplating the idea. What's one more person? Especially one that deserves to die… After all, if killing Dumbledore requires me to kill a mudblood, what of it? After all, it's not a crime to kill a mudblood; their kind should be all killed anyway!**

**It shouldn't matter to the world. **_**Just to me, **_**a sneaky voice comments. I quickly banish the thought, but can't help but think, **_**what have I become? **_**I answer the question easily; I've become a protector of the peace, someone who is trying to make the world a better place. At any cost.**

**The bust stares at me now, as if acknowledging my decision. It thinks for a moment, and it nods. I blink in astonishment; a bust **_**nodding? **_**I shake my head slightly, and figure that it's just part of the room's magic.**

**I strut out to the corridor, again, welcoming its cold. "Ahh," I moan, lounging against a wall. I then remember that I have class, and head off to my room to do what I do best: plot.**

**As this is my first kill, I want to make it simple; no spells, no complications. I grab a butter knife from the small kitchenette, and aim my wand at it. I transform it into a dagger with the Dark Mark at the hilt. I twist my wrist, swishing the blade this way and that, trying to gage how heavy it is. I throw it at the door, as if trying to vent something, but, in truth, I don't know what it is I'm doing. I feel as if I'm in a lucid dream, as if none of this is happening. I move towards the door in an attempt to free the blade from the door, but feel as if I'm swimming through the air. It's strange, this feeling. I can only imagine that it's something my conscious has thought up of, but I refuse to yield. I know my path, and nothing can stop me from following it.**

**I make it to the door, and pull out the knife. It dissolves in my hand. I stare at in shock, thinking perhaps I didn't perform the spell correctly, but then, the dust it created comes back to form the same dagger. What's happening?! Am I going insane? No, I refuse to think that. I may doubt much, but not that. Or else I shall lose myself. Or have I already?**

**I give my head a little shake, as if to dislodge the thought, and then stare at the dagger again. It glints at me, as if winking, telling me that I'm doing the right thing. I stuff it through my belt. I don't need reassurance though; I already know I'm doing this for the greater good. And as for a conscience, I don't need that either. The way to move forward is to have no feeling; and I'm willing to sacrifice that.**

**The day goes on as I curl up on a chair and close my eyes, falling into a restless sleep. I don't know why I'm not sleeping on my bed, but somehow, it doesn't feel right. Neither does the knife in my belt.**

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**I wake with a start, not knowing where I am, what I'm doing. I take in a great gulp of air, and then release it, trying to calm down. After all, I am probably the most dangerous thing in this castle. I shiver in the cold, and pull a cloak on. I chuckle darkly, thinking about how cliché it is to kill someone while wearing a cloak. **

**The laugh helps me, reassures me, and I know. I know that there is no doubt, I must do this. I walk slowly towards the door, knowing that once I reach it, there's no going back. **

**The doorknob twists easily; I see my distorted reflection in the gold knob, and watch as a smirk lights up my features. I run a hand through my hair, smoothing it back, and brushing it out of my face. **

**The door swings open easily as the doorknob twisted easily. All of them making no attempt to stop me.**

**The corridors, as I expected, are empty. I smirk again, and make my way through them, quietly, noiselessly. The only thing one can hear is the sound my shoes make against the cobblestone floors, making everything twice as macabre as it already is, in the darkness of the night.**

**The portrait hole to the Gryffindor common room is dimly lit, as everything in the corridors is. "**_**Quid agis," **_**I whisper quietly, hoping the password hasn't changed since last month. It hasn't, and the door swings open. I make a mental note to thank Zabini for giving me the password, and then head towards the girls' staircase.**

**But something stops me. I look around, fervently hoping that the common room is empty. And it is, except for one person. The mudblood. She's on the couch, in front of the fireplace… And for a moment, just a moment, I could've sworn the fire was engulfing her. My eyes widened in horror. But nothing happened. No screaming, no pleading. I shake my head as if to dislodge a thought and look upon the task at hand.**

**She's wearing the usual uniform; a white crisp blouse with a dark red vest along with a heavy plaid skirt. She's facing the fire, as if asking for its warmth, its protection… from **_**me. **_

**And there she is. The mudblood, innocently sleeping on the couch. There! She's turning on her back, as if wanting me to stab her filthy heart! I approach the couch, my footsteps slow and deliberate.**

**And here it is. The moment. I draw in a breath, and step forward, looking like a wraith in this darkness. I pull my hood up, breathing in its familiar scent of musk, wood and the slight smell of hair gel. I grope for the dagger and pull it out of my belt. The Dark Mark looks up at me, the smiling skull piercing me. I turn my head away in a look of utter revulsion. The snake seems to be moving, seems to be choking the skull.**

**What has happened to me? I turn back around to face the mudblood again, and ignore the feeling of revulsion in my stomach. Nothing matters, nothing matters now.**

**And now I've run out of excuses. I watch the mudblood shift slightly in her sleep, and can't help but think, what is she thinking? Is she having some horrible dream in which she is dying? No, I can tell by the smile on her face that that is definitely not what's happening. So what is she thinking? I suppose I could use Occulmency, but there's the slight chance that she may wake up if I do. Perhaps she is dreaming about killing the Dark Lord. Wouldn't that be fitting? Me killing her while she's thinking traitorous thoughts… Or maybe, she's thinking about our conversation earlier. About how she wasn't sure whether or not she was supposed to even be talking to me. Perhaps all of this, but somehow, I think not.**

**The dagger is in my hand; I don't remember reaching for it. I lift it above the mudblood's heart, wondering what she would say if she were awake. I quickly banish the thought, knowing that I need concentration. I imagine all the blood that will flow, making a river in time.**

**And tomorrow… Tomorrow, people will find her here, in the common room. They will shake her, and wonder why she does not respond. Blissfully cold, dead, her face waxen. They will scream for help and then… And then it will begin.**

**But none of this matters. Nothing matters now. Because all I have to think about is me. What I will do after I have completed my task. I suppose I shall return to my room, slowly, quietly, and then, I suppose I shall have to wash the blood of my hands. Only this time, it will have been **_**me**_** killing someone.**

**NO! It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I raise the knife another inch, and dive. I expect to find the soft tissue of her skin, but then delve into something tougher, more sinewy. Instead, I find a hand on my wrist.**

**"What the hell do you think you are doing?" the mudblood asks, her voice poison; deadly, quiet. I jump away from the bed in shock. "You bastard. You tried to kill me!" she whispers, realization entering her voice. Although she's whispering her voice seems to fill the room. "How could you, you evil, evil prick!" she yells, her voice getting louder. The fire crackles in my ears. I don't stay, I **_**can't**_** stay. I dash out the door like a coward, with the dagger still in my hand.**

**The safe haven I had found earlier, the corridors, are no longer safe. I can hear panting along with my running footsteps. I resist the urge to look back and see if the mudblood is following me. **

**How could this happen?! How was she awake; it's three in the morning! This is horrible; I won't live through the night, I know. If the mudblood tells Potty and Weasel King, I shall be dead by morning. Not by their hand, but by the Dark Lord's. It will only be a matter of time until he finds out, and then. Well, and then I shall cease to breathe.**

**I hold my head in my hands, thinking of everything, letting it engulf me in a pool of vile liquid. Everything has ended. This is truly my apocalypse. But I welcome it, knowing there is nothing I could or could've… or **_**would've**_**… done to prevent it. **

**My room welcomes me back, the cool air sweeping my face. I run to a window and slide the doors open, letting the icy English air take me. Take me away, away from this place I call hell. I don't think about jumping over the edge, knowing that a two story drop most probably won't kill me. Besides that, there is a small chance that maybe, just maybe, something will happen and I won't be dead by tomorrow.**

**I must cling to that thread, for without it I am lost. To the world, to myself.**

**The cold tiles in the bathroom welcome me as well, asking me to take my time, not to rush. After all, I have the whole night ahead of me. I wash my face slowly, rubbing it roughly, as if trying to change the face of this almost killer. I strip to my boxers and run to my bed, closing the window as I go. I curl up in bed, holding on, stretching that thread of hope; that perhaps I may live through the night. I curl up and close my eyes, and don't sleep.**

and this is the end  
this is the end  
of the world  
proclaim eternal victory  
come on and change the cause of history  
and pull us through  
and pull us through  
and this is the end  
this is the end  
of the world

-- Apocalypse Please, Muse

**A/N Did you like it? I hope so! I have to keep this short, so review please! And ****Apocalypse** **Please**** does not belong to me, it belongs exclusively to Muse. Bisous ~ the shattered star **


	5. Evil

**A/N So, here's a very quick update from me! This may be a common happenstance now that school is almost over and all my finals are done, so yay! Enjoy this very angst filled chapter of Sententia! On to the thanx!**

**Thanx to: MUSE! They were truly my muse for the duration of this chapter, so thank you so much! (I **_**need **_**to find a new obsession!) On to the disclaimer!**

**Disclaimer: Draco belongs to himself… Rather, the Dark Lord, and everything else belongs to JK Rowling. Except the plot, that's all mine! On the Rise does not belong to me. It belongs exclusively to Jess Whedon.**

**Chapter 5: The Evil**

Any dolt with half a brain  
Can see that humankind has gone insane.  
To the point where I don't know if I'll upset the status quo  
If I throw poison in the water main.  
Listen close to everybody's heart  
And hear that breaking sound.  
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart  
And crashing to the ground.  
I cannot believe my eyes  
How the world's filled with filth and lies!  
But it's plain to see evil inside of me  
Is on the rise.

-- On the Rise, from Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, by Jess Whedon

**Dawn breaks. There is blue in the sky today; what a surprise. And I am alive; another surprise. I don't understand what happened. By all means, I should be dead. And unless the mudblood didn't tell Potty and Weasel King, I can not surmise how I am still alive. **

**I contemplate leaving the warmth of my bed, knowing that leaving its comfort will mean that I have to face the real world. Damn reality. I chuckle at myself, and then swing my legs out of bed and head to the washroom.**

**I get ready quickly and dress. I give my tie one last pull, and then head towards the door, not knowing what awaits me behind it. I swing the door open, and, resisting the temptation to close my eyes in fear, start walking towards the Great Hall.**

**The Great Hall is blissfully empty today. I sigh in relief as I take a seat at the Slytherin table and serve myself some breakfast. I catch sight of Dumbledore, who is smiling at me. That's it. Something's happened. Either she didn't tell them, or Dumbledore's a new found sadist. I'm more inclined to believe the former.**

**My food vanishes quickly; I'm ravished. I finish before any of my associates even get to the table. I wait for them to arrive, knowing that if they see the breakfast table void of me, they'll probably get concerned. Not because they care about me, but because they know if anything should happen to me, their heads will be on the line. In addition to this, I can't let them think that anything's wrong. Because if I do, everything collapses. Everything I've worked so hard to build.**

**"Draky?" I hear a voice to my left.**

**"Pansy," I greet formally.**

**"Where've you been, dearest?" she asks concernedly, taking a seat next to me.**

**"About," I answer darkly. It's not as if she actually cares and I don't want her poking around; not because she might get hurt, but because she might destroy everything.**

**"Alright…" she replies, her eyes narrowing. I know she's not satisfied with my answer, but I can't. I can't tell her.**

**We eat in silence until Crabbe and Goyle arrive. I resist the temptation to roll my eyes; they're always together. They have no separate identities. And I pity them. But then, do I have my own identity? I can not answer that question. Not now.**

**Breakfast finally ends. I breathe a sigh of relief, and leave swiftly, leaving a cold wind in my wake. **

**Classes are tedious as usual today; uneventful, and dull. I rub my face roughly with my hands, wondering why I bother even coming to class. It's a complete waste of time anyway…**

**Care of Magical Creatures is the last class before dinner. I manage to keep my eyes open and not fall asleep while standing, but I pay no attention to the oaf's teachings.**

**Instead, my mind is abuzz with thoughts concerning last night's events; what happened? Why aren't I dead? I find the mudblood in the crowd of students, and to my surprise, feel a sharp pang of guilt.**

**And then I realize, I never wanted to kill her. I never had a lust for her blood, it was only because she was about to expose me. I close my eyes in defeat, knowing I can no longer run from myself.**

**And there she is, looking, staring at me. I stare back, rather, glare, and watch her lip curl up. She turns away quickly, and looks towards the giant oaf teaching the class. I ignore her, and go back to my mindless thinking.**

**Class ends abruptly. The oaf almost lets us out late, but someone reminds him, and we go free. I start walking towards the castle when I feel something hit me from behind. I try to turn around, and find that I can't. Someone's put a freezing spell on me! I can't move; I'm at their mercy. How could this happen? How could I have caught been so off guard? I vow never to let this happen again as I hear footsteps approach me.**

**"How could you?" the mudblood asks me. I can't reply, obviously. "You tried to kill me." She unfreezes my head with a twitch of her wand.**

**"Can you prove that?" I ask smugly. If I had control over my body, I, without doubt, would've put my head in my hands at this moment.**

**"I don't need to."**

**"Oh? Then why am I not dead now?" I ask, carefully enunciating each word in an attempt to be frightening. Then again, I **_**am **_**frozen, so there's not much I can do.**

**"Because…" she bites her lip, "because… Harry and Ron didn't believe me!" she blurts out. I smile cruelly, and watch her face fall. So, her two best friends don't believe her? Wonderful.**

**"Ah. I see. And why haven't you gone to Dumbledore about this matter?" I ask testily. Silence. I can hear the birds flitting in the trees above, the water from the lake lapping against the shore. I finally speak. "You don't know whether or not you can trust yourself. After all, it may have just been a dream," I suggest, watching her face with delight as it crumples in confusion.**

**"That's not why!" she cries, though it sounds like a plea. "It's because… well, because I don't want to bother Professor Dumbledore with something so **_**trivial**_**!" I look at her as if looking at a child. **

**"I see… And this is **_**not**_** trivial?" I ask, knowing that I've given her proof, but also knowing that at this point, she's too worried about her poor defense to care.**

**"Well, not in comparison to… some things…" she says slowly. And then something quite unexpected comes out of her filthy mouth, "How did you know?" I stare in shock at her, wondering what she's referring to, and hoping fervently that it's not what I think it is. Bloody hell, a heart to heart with a mudblood is possibly a nightmare come true.**

**"What are you referring to?" I ask, closing my eyes as I wait for her response.**

**"How did you know?" she repeats. There's no doubt, I'm about to talk about **_**feelings**_**. Damn it.**

**"Perhaps because I sometimes feel the same way," I say, knowing that I'm lying, but also knowing that the sooner I get unfrozen, the sooner I can get back to planning.**

**The mudblood stares at me, cocks her head and then straightens, her vulnerable state replaced with one of stone. "Regardless, you still tried to kill me."**

**"And can you prove that?" I ask, repeating myself. I feel relieved that all the talk about **_**emotions **_**is over.**

**"Well… No…" she says slowly. A smirk falls across my face, and I raise an eyebrow.**

**"Well then, I suppose you can unfreeze me then?" I ask. She does so without a second glance. I stretch a bit, relieving my muscles of any tension. Her resolve does not change; her eyes are still fiery, and her mouth is a stern line. I smirk and head towards the castle, not bothering to glance back, but knowing the mudblood is there, alone and helpless. For a moment, just a moment, I feel sorry for her; I consider looking back at her. But the moment passes, and I gather my resolve, another smirk gracing my face.**

**And a thought strikes; what if… I was speaking the truth? What if I can't trust myself? What if… NO! I can not doubt my sanity! Anything else, but not this. If I do, everything is lost. Everything…**

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**Dinner passes quickly; I leave before anyone even arrives. I didn't see the mudblood there, but I quickly banish the thought of her. After all, I know she'll have to die sometime; she's on my track. I give my head a little shake, and start loosening my tie; it feels like it's suffocating me. I drape the gray tie around my neck and head towards the Room of Requirement.**

**It's cold again, as I expected. I wander through the room of rubbish, looking at the different things people have put here. I notice the bust again, along with a whole lot of school books. In addition to this rubbish, there are also spare quills, unclassifiable debris on the ground, amongst other things. I find myself a patch of empty ground to sit upon. Conveniently, the spot is directly in front of the vanishing cabinet. I stare at it and think.**

**If I use it, I will have a great advantage; Death Eaters would be able to get into Hogwarts easily, and they would be at my disposal. But then, there's the problem of Greyback. I shouldn't care about anyone, but I can't help but think… Do I truly wish the bite on anyone? Can I possibly be that evil, as to wish that upon someone? To live a life haunted by being a monster? But then… It's not as if that sort of life is completely alien to me…**

**I let out a scream of rage, letting it free, letting my anger glow through this blackness. I'm in the dark, naked and alone. I scream again, this time forming words; "why?!" I scream. My hair cloaks my face, making me look mad, making me look insane. I let out another scream, my throat hurts, but I pay it no heed. It doesn't matter, nothing matters.**

**I stop, closing my eyes and listening to my ragged breath. I finally catch my breath, and open my eyes. And everything's different.**

**And I start thinking again. The other option; not opening the cupboard. What'll happen then? Greyback will never get into Hogwarts, I'll have no help, I'll fail my task. And that's no option at all.**

**I cradle my head in my hands, wishing to vanish, to disappear, to not exist. To not have to make this choice. In another reality, another world, another time, another dimension, another place, anything. That's where I'm begging to be right now. I close my eyes, as if hoping that will take me there. That place, without a Dark Lord, without mudblood's, without anything. Bliss.**

**But I can't. I'm tethered here, with no options, nothing to do, nowhere to go. I let out another scream, giving my anger to the room, letting it out of me.**

**And then I realize; this **_**is**_** real. This is what I must do. And it doesn't matter what happens, whatever happens will. And I won't do anything to stop it. If people get bitten by werewolves, so be it. If people die, so be it. **

**And I understand; this is what being a Death Eater is all about; not caring. Doing whatever is necessary to reach our goals.**

**And I think. I weigh my options, although I already know what I must do. And I open the door, thus giving in.**

Listen close to everybody's heart, and hear that breaking sound.

Hopes and dreams are shattering apart and crashing to the ground.

I cannot believe my eyes how the world's filled with filth and lies,

But it's plain to see evil inside of me

Is on the rise.

-- On the Rise, from Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, by Jess Whedon

**A/N Gosh, I didn't realize that would be so angsty! I was listening to Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park while writing it though, and that may have had something to do with it… So, I have made a discovery. About 40 people are reading this little fanfic of mine, and I think it would be amazing if I could get EVERY SINGLE ONE of you to review. Can you do it? Somehow I doubt it. So prove me wrong and REVIEW! And then send the link to your friends so that more people can give me their opinions! (No, that's a joke!) So, all in all, you're welcome for this super quick update, REVIEW, and bisous! ~ the shattered star**

**A/N the second: Well, you proved me right. Wonderful job. Anyway, I'll spare you the lecture, and just tell you that I've done some major editing (what I consider major) to the entire fic. I haven't changed much; mostly emotions, punctuation and spelling, but if you really feel like it, look over this revised draft, drop me a PM telling me what you think. Thanks to all who have reviewed, especially: **sunshinefarah, Margaritalimes, xCaillinNollaigx, and elektra30 **who have truly helped me with their critiques. All you other reviewers, don't feel excluded if you're not on this list; you didn't leave me any critiques, which is fine; your support helps a lot! Although, I do prefer critiques… Thanks to you all! Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	6. Link

**A/N Voici, another chapter of Sententia! Nope, not as much angst, so no worries to those of you out there. I know this chapter is rather short, but it's important. The song is a little difficult to get in relation to the chapter, but I'd be interested in knowing how many of you got it. Let me know in a review! Oh, and I'd like to know if you think the first scene is at all realistic; I think it is, but input always helps! Thanks!**

**Thanx: to Muse. Again. I **_**need**_** to find a new obsession… But their album ****Origin of Symmetry**** is AMAZING! Check it out.**

**Disclaimer: I only own the plot. Draco, unfortunately, belongs to JKR. Heyy, it's not my fault; she should've done more with him! Newborn does not belong to me. It belongs exclusively to Muse.**

**Chapter 6: Link**

Link it to the world  
Link it to yourself  
Stretch it like a birth squeeze  
The love for what you hide  
The bitterness inside  
Is growing like the new born  
When you've seen, seen  
Too much, too young, young  
Soulless is everyone  
-- Newborn, Muse

**I enter the cabinet and close the door, closing my eyes in defeat. I can no longer hide from this; I must, instead, face it. I inhale, and open the door to whatever lies beyond.**

"**M—Master Malfoy!" Borgin calls out. I step out of the cabinet and face him, a grim look on my face. They can't think I'm vulnerable. They can't.**

"**Ahh, Mister Malfoy!" a voice hisses through the darkness of the shop. I repress the urge to shiver, and instead, face the man. Or rather, the werewolf. Greyback stands in the shadows of the small shop, looking around restlessly, as if looking for something to… **_**eat**_**.**

**If I could, I would run out of the store right now, damn the consequences. But I can't. Because doing so would mean death. And that's the last thing I can risk now. And yet… I can't help but think; what is everyone going to do when Greyback storms the castle? Will there be screaming? Crying? I don't know what I'm doing. But these emotions don't matter. Nothing matters anymore, except my task.**

"**Borgin," I acknowledge, "Greyback," I whisper, looking away from his grey visage. Greyback leers at me, his teeth yellowed and chipped. I can't hold it back this time; I shudder. He saw it. I'm sure he did. But he doesn't say anything. "Thank you for your help with repairing the cabinet," I say formally.**

"**Anything to help a Malfoy!" Borgin exclaims. I can imagine him getting down on the floor and licking my boots if I asked him to. Git.**

**I stare at him testily, smirking when he looks away shamefully.**

"**Why are you here?" Greyback hisses. This time, I manage not to shudder, but it takes an enormous amount of self control.**

"**Why, I thought it would be obvious," I say frowning. After all, they're the ones who wanted to help me… I brush off the thought, keeping to my task. "I want your help."**

"**Ah, getting desperate, are we?" Greyback asks, leering at me again.**

"**No," I say coldly, "I thought you might like to join me in my task," I say, purposefully being vague.**

"**How considerate of you," Greyback spits. Borgin looks at him, pales, and decidedly stares at a wall. "I hope you weren't planning on just inviting us…" he says, licking his lips in anticipation.**

"**Of course not," I snap, "Gather all the Death Eaters and tell them. Tell them that they may join me on the night I complete my task. Tell them to meet here, understand?" I spit. I don't even think about what I'm saying; this is not a time for second thoughts. But one thought escapes me: what will the Death Eaters say to this? More importantly, will they tell the Dark Lord? I can only hope now.**

"**Yes, **_**master**_**," Greyback snarls, bowing low.**

"**Good," I say, turning back to the Vanishing Cabinet. I open the door, ignoring the hinges' protests.**

"**But when will we know—"**

"**I'll come back, Borgin," I snap, my patience running low. I hear a hiss from Greyback, but I leave before he can finish. I'm not interested in what he has to say. His opinion doesn't matter.**

**The cabinet sweeps me back to the Room of Requirement. I open the door, and find a protest from the door, a loud squeak, almost as if the cabinet wanted me to stay in Knockturn Alley. I brush it off, knowing that it doesn't matter now.**

**I sit on the floor of the room, and look at my surroundings. The bust with the tiara stands out again. I get up and walk towards it. The face is one of beauty, with high cheekbones and a small, lilting smile on her face. I reach out my hand and cup her cheek, knowing that she can provide me no comfort, however willing she looks. I take my hand away, remembering the shape of her cheek. It reminds me of something, but I can't recall what…**

**I look around the room again, looking for something to do. I know it would be best for me to start plotting, but I can't. Not now. Not amidst all these conflicting thoughts.**

**I look outside, embracing the approaching darkness. I suddenly remember something; Quidditch. A smirk appears on my face and I rush out of the room, all thoughts of killing and the Dark Lord gone.**

**The corridors are alien to me; a place never visited. I ignore the rush of people passing me. I ignore their laughter, their talking, even their silence. They're just faces to me, nothing more.**

**My room is cold, as usual. I don't bother lighting the fire, knowing that I won't stay long enough to care about the room's temperature. I grab my broom and head outside.**

**I sigh in relief as the cold air welcomes me. Much too cold for March, but it's not as if I care. This is the only way I'll succeed; I must take myself away from everything, clear my head of all thoughts.**

**I mount my broom and kick off from the cold, frozen Earth. I rise a few feet with the kick; I point the handle towards the sky, getting higher with every second. The broom moves with the slightest touch, letting me have complete control over where I go. The wind pushes my hair out of my face.**

**The castle looks macabre in the fading sunlight, as if someone has painted it black. I fly over it, wondering what it would look like directly underneath me. I fly to the height of about half a mile, looking down upon the majestic castle. It looks ghostly from here, like it's haunted. One can not see the windows, nor the statues. Only the roof and the shape of the building are visible. It maddens me, how it can stand there, so innocent, so…**

**I swoop back down to the Quidditch pitch, not caring who sees me. I don't give a damn about curfews.**

**I know I'm going to crash into something if I don't stop now; the thoughts are starting to swirl in my head again. And I can't. I can't think, because if I do, everything is lost again. I land on the soft grass of the Quidditch pitch and step off my broom, sending it back to my room, not ready to go back inside yet. I meander about the grounds, not knowing why, and yet knowing at the same time. I look around, and upon not seeing anyone, dart into the Forbidden Forest. After all, if I'm breaking one rule, what's to stop me from breaking another?**

**The forest is dark, the shadows fading into nothing. I continue walking into the forest, smirking at the thought of the mudblood. She would be horrified if she knew I was in the Forbidden Forest after hours. The smirk vanishes, and I shake my head in annoyance. Why do my thoughts keep straying to her? Filthy piece of shit.**

**But I remember something… Her cheek… The bust… That was the connection… I'm revolted; her cheek? Where did that come from? **

**But no, I can't think about that now. Because it doesn't matter. Nothing matters now. Nothing, except me, and the forest. The trees seem to be getting closer together now, not letting me pass. I brush past them anyway, letting them snag at my clothes, tearing them in places. Not caring anymore.**

**I reach a clearing, my eyes bleary, my clothes torn, my head fuzzy. I fall to the ground and an unexpected thought enters my mind; **_**Someone save me, **_**I think. But it doesn't make any sense… That thought was unbidden, a surprise. And even if it was true, there's no one here, in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. Perhaps it would be best to stay here… To waste away.**

**But is that really how I'd like to die? No, I'd rather have Avada Kedavra cast upon me. Death, dying… I don't think I'm ready to die… Not quite yet. There is still much I have to accomplish, much I have to **_**do**_**. And much I want to do. But needs… They're all a joke to me. Regardless, I still have much to do.**

**But what do **_**I **_**want? I wonder… Perhaps a world without mudbloods and Muggles, perhaps a world void of people… I don't know. I can't answer that question right now.**

**One thing is certain though; I won't be able to make it back to the castle without falling down from exhaustion. I might as well get as far as I can. Less walking tomorrow.**

**I turn around and stumble through the forest drunkenly, ignoring the trees again. I finally find myself in a small patch of forest with trees all around me. This is not a clearing. This is like everywhere else, invaded by trees, barely any space for me to collapse to the ground. But it's somewhere.**

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**I am awakened by a gasp. It's quiet, but it still manages to wake me. I feel a shadow above me. There's someone here. Someone with me. I don't know who, but somehow, I doubt it's someone I hold in a high regard. I hear them start to walk away quietly. I strike, my arm darting out and gripping the person's ankle, pulling them down. The girl shrieks.**

**The girl… No! Surely not… I open my eyes quickly to find the mudblood's face directly in front of mine. Perfect; exactly what I want to see in the morning.**

**"What the hell are you doing here," I snarl.**

**"I might ask you the same thing," she hisses, getting up off the ground. I spring up as well, and realize what an idiot I must look like, sleeping in the middle of the Forbidden Forest with torn clothes.**

**"Regardless, what the hell are you doing here," I repeat. She says nothing.**

**"I don't have to justify my actions to **_**you**_**," she says primly, though her eyes are ablaze.**

**"Fine," I hiss, not caring what she thinks. She was probably just on a walk or something… It doesn't matter. I start walking away from her when she calls me.**

**"Wait, why were **_**you**_** here?" she asks.**

**"I was… **_**restless **_**last night and went on a walk," I state firmly. I don't even know why I'm giving her an answer. I suppose because it clears my name for the night. My gaze bores into her eyes; I wait for her to turn away.**

**"I see…"**

**"Do you?"**

**"Yes," she says, her tone suggests she knows everything about me. She takes a look at my torn clothes and her eyebrows rise.**

**"No you don't," I scoff. She has no idea. She knows nothing! "Go to hell mudblood," I spit, leaving her alone in among the trees, not looking back. Or, at least, that was what I had planned to do. I can't help but look back. She's looking at me, a small smile on her face. And I look at her cheek. And I see the link…**

**I strut off, ignoring the chuckle I hear from behind me. She's not worth my attention; she'll be dead when the Death Eaters come. I know she will. Perhaps I'll make her death… **_**special…**_

**The castle welcomes me, inviting me back into its cold depths.**

Hopeless time to roam  
The distance to your home  
Fades away to nowhere  
How much are you worth  
You can't come down to earth  
You're swelling up, you're unstoppable  
'cause you've seen, seen  
Too much, too young, young  
Soulless is everyone

-- Newborn, Muse

**A/N Heyy! Well, I hope you liked this chapter; I thought it was relatively light, so… I just have one warning; THIS STORY WILL NOT END HAPPILY. Just wanted you guys to be aware of that. ;) Review please! Bisous ~ the shattered star**

**A/N the second: I just edited this, so those of you who didn't think it was quite as good as usual, check it out now, and drop me a PM. Bisous ~ the shattered star  
**


	7. Lost

**A/N Voici, another chapter! I'm sorry it took me a bit of time to put this up, but now that it is, I hope to get a lot of reviews. ;P I know, I know, 2 Muse songs in a row, but this just fit so damn perfectly! Anyway, enjoy!**

**Thanx to: Muse, Evanescence, Franz Ferdinand and Interpol.**

**Disclaimer: All except plot belong to JKR. Plot is mine. Screenager does not belong to me, it belongs exclusively to Muse.**

Who's so phoney and always surrounded  
Stop your screaming, no one can hear  
All the scars on your skin, post no bills

Who you were  
Was so beautiful  
Remember who... who you were

-- Screenager, Muse

**Chapter 7: Lost**

**I loosen my tie angrily, pulling at it. I let it drape around my neck while I struggle to unbutton the button under my neck. I hear it pop and fall to the floor with a loud clatter. I curse and don't bother looking for it.**

**I reach my room and lock the door, leaning against it, breathing heavily. And yet… I don't know why…**

**It's not as if this means anything. Nothing's happened, nothing's changed.**

**But I can't clear all the thoughts from my mind. One keeps buzzing around, not leaving me alone. **_**Why her?**_** it asks. I have no answer; I don't understand. Why did I make the connection to her cheek? It doesn't make any sense; I hate her after all… I tried to kill her, damn it!**

**I decide to ignore all the thoughts, now swirling again. Breakfast doesn't start for another hour at least. I light the fire, sitting on a chair in front of it. Suddenly, I'm in desperate need of warmth.**

**The popping and crackling of the fire surprises me; I suppose I haven't lit enough fires recently. I hold my hands out to the flames, letting the heat warm them. **

**I hear a chuckle, a laugh. I stand up abruptly, confused. What?**

**"You cannot evade me, Draco," I hear a voice whisper darkly. Almost… snakelike. I look in to the fire to find a dead snake. I scream in shock, not knowing what just happened. My body jolts up from the chair. I regain control quickly.**

**"Yes, my lord?" I whisper shakily, bowing my head to the fire. But when I lift my head, the snake is gone. I stand, speechless, not knowing what to do.**

**I finally collapse on the chair, trembling. Did that happen? Or is my mind playing tricks on me? But— no! I can't! I can not doubt my sanity. Anything else, but not that.**

**But this alternative makes it even harder; what did he mean? Has he invaded my mind and found the hint of doubt? Or did one of the Death Eaters tell him? I don't know, but the only thing I can do now is hope. Hope for a way out of this web I'm tangled in. And I know there's only one way to do that.**

**I rub my face roughly, trying to get the image of the dead snake out of my head. I don't know exactly what this means, but the message is clear; I must be careful of both my actions and my thoughts. With the Dark Lord as skilled at Legilimency as he is, I have no security in my mind either. But he must know that I am completely focused. He must know that I have no doubts now.**

**But what if the latter is true; what if the Death Eaters told him? This would be completely different… But he must know that **_**I**_** intend to kill Dumbledore! He must know that.**

**I abandon my thoughts and turn to my clothes. As they are all completely torn, I decide to change. I undress quickly, ignoring the sudden chill that comes upon me. I inspect my clothes, seeing if I can salvage them or not. I look at my shirt and throw it in the fire. It doesn't matter anyway; it's not as if I'll have to go around naked. I change swiftly, pulling my tie against my neck. I throw my robes on and head out the door, knowing I'll have to face the world eventually.**

**The Great Hall is unusually quiet when I reach it. I don't understand why; there's no reason for this loud silence. I take a seat at the Slytherin table to face Pansy.**

**"Hello, darling," she drawls. It seems like she's mocking me, but I know she's not.**

**"Pansy," I reply, acknowledging her presence. Her eyes narrow for a moment, but she quickly recovers. But she doesn't say a word.**

**I take a piece of toast, butter it and eat it carefully. I gaze at Pansy for moment, and leave the table.**

**My room has gone cold again, but it doesn't bother me now. Instead of lighting a fire, I simply fetch a cloak and throw it around my shoulders, holding it to me tightly.**

**Within a few moments, I find myself in the Room of Requirement again. But this time, it's different. This time, there is no clutter of books and papers, no piles of rubbish, no bust, not even the cupboard. Instead, I face an empty room, containing only one thing. A wax figure of Dumbledore. I exhale slowly, trying to rid myself of the tension I'm feeling. It's not as if the figure **_**is **_**Dumbledore; it's simply a replica.**

**Unexplainably, an overwhelming temptation to blow the figure to pieces comes over me and I do not resist. "REDUCTO!" I bellow, not caring if anyone can hear me, aiming my wand at the figure. But he quickly moves his wand quickly moves to counteract my spell. I find myself on the floor within seconds, wandless.**

**I quickly right myself, smirking. This might just work…**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**I surprise myself by looking forward to class. I suppose it's because it gives me a break and I can rest, if only for a few hours.**

**The wounds I receive from Dumbledore still pain me. But I must keep this as real as possible; if someone was trying to kill me, I certainly wouldn't be merciful towards them. However, I can't simply leave the wounds there; the last thing I need now is suspicion especially with the mudblood on my trail. So I conceal my wounds using concealment charms, keeping them to myself.**

**It's been a week since I ran into the mudblood in the forest. Fortunately, she hasn't approached me since. My mind is so occupied with my task, and simply staying awake, that I have no time to think about what she knows. After all, nothing's changed since then, so I have assumed that she knows nothing. At least, nothing concrete. Only suspicion. But suspicion's enough.**

**Because I have nothing better to do, and because I know I'll fall down if I stand for another moment, I drop in to History of Magic. Perfect; I can sleep, and escape from the world for a bit while simultaneously clearing my name and deflating any suspicions people may have.**

**I collapse into my chair and look up. Binns looks around the class and upon realizing almost everyone is present, he begins.**

**My head falls to the table immediately, producing a soft bang that no one hears. Just before I close my eyes, I see the mudblood clicking her tongue at me. Would it be so impossible for her to keep to herself?! I decide to ignore it, knowing that her opinion doesn't matter. After all, it never did.**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**I wake with a scream on my tongue. I somehow manage to hold it back, but not without emitting a small yell. A few people turn to look at me, but I simply smirk at them. Idiots.**

**The mudblood is staring at me. Whether in wonder or horror, I can not tell. I stare back, trying not to retch at the sight of her face. Why won't she just leave me alone?! She finally looks away, and I turn my watering eyes to my desk. In the back of my mind I can hear Binns finishing up. I turn and leave before he finishes. I have things to do.**

**The wax figurine has become the bane of my existence. And yet, it's the only thing keeping me from shattering. I shoot a curse at it, and watch as it quickly performs the counter curse. I dodge out of the way as it shoots another spell at me, my wand aimed at him the whole time. Before he has time to do anything, I shoot another curse at him, this time, non-verbal. He, yet again, deflects it easily. I fall to the floor again. Damn this! This is bloody impossible! I haven't got a single curse at him for the past week!**

**I get up swiftly and leave. I don't have time for this. If direct contact doesn't work, I shall have to try something else.**

_**Cold**_** was my first thought when I reached the corridors. My next was **_**shit. **_**I stay close to the wall in an attempt to escape from her, but she still manages to corner me.**

**"What?!" I yell in frustration.**

**"What are you doing in the Room of Requirement?" the mudblood asks in an angry whisper.**

**"Nothing of consequence," I snap, starting to walk away.**

**"Oh really," she states.**

**I don't answer her. Why do humans have a constant need to point out the obvious? As if I'll change my answer the second time… Moron. I start walking away again. I don't care what she says, it doesn't matter. I've come to accept that; nothing matters, except my task. Not even my emotions. So nothing's happened.**

**"This isn't you," she whispers. I can't hold myself back.**

**"How would you know?! You don't know me, you never did!" I scream, not caring who can hear me. "Sod off! Just stay away from me!" I yell. Her expression is one of anger. Why should she be angry? This is **_**her**_** fault; she never even talked to me except to trade insults! This shouldn't change anything.**

**My footsteps echo in the darkness of the corridors. I don't care what anyone thinks. I open the door to my room and slam the door shut.**

**I sit in front of a newly burning fire and think. I know I shouldn't; my thoughts always make things more confusing, less clear. But I must now.**

**A small voice whispers something to me. What if she's trying to save you? it whispers. Save me from what? I reply. Yourself, it says. Myself? That's the least of my concerns; the Dark Lord it what one should try and save me from. Denial won't help, the voice says again. I let out a scream of rage, grabbing a pot of ink from the small table in front of me, and throwing it across the room. It shatters on a white wall, the ink leaving its trail. I stare at it in shock. What have I done? What's happening to me?**

Hide from the mirror, the cracks and the memories  
Hide from your family, they won't know you now  
For all the holes in our souls host no thrills

Who you were  
Was so beautiful  
Memories who... who you were

-- Screenager, Muse

**A/N Did you enjoy it? I thought it was one of my more interesting chapters… Let me know what you think in a review. Thanks to all that have/will. Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	8. Wrath

**A/N I know, long song, but the chapter is pretty short, so I thought that'd make up for it. I know, my rationalization skills need work… ;) Anyway, enjoy this chapter!**

**Thanx: To Muse, Interpol and Stephan Sondheim. (Sweeney Todd to be specific)**

**Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. The Music of the Night belongs exclusively to Andrew Lloyd Webber.  
**

**Chapter 8: Wrath**

Night-time sharpens, heightens each sensation  
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination  
Silently the senses abandon their defenses

Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor  
Grasp it, sense it - tremulous and tender  
Turn your face away from the garish light of day,  
turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light -  
and listen to the music of the night ...

-- The Music of the Night, Andrew Lloyd Webber

"**Impedimenta!" Dumbledore bellows, freezing me on the spot. I quickly fall to the ground, creating a great clatter. I get up immediately and try again. And again, in a matter of seconds, I find myself on the ground again.**

**This is not possible! I can't do this, at least, not this way. Direct contact is not an option anymore. And as much as I hate to think it, I must admit it: Dumbledore is a better wizard than me. More skilled, but older too. And I know it won't last forever; in the end, I'll outsmart him.**

**I storm out of the Room of Requirement in anger, not caring anymore. I let my mind wander, allowing it to rest, if only for a few moments.**

**I absorb myself in my thoughts, knowing that there's no one worth talking to outside. What to do… I suppose I shall have to make another potion, one strong enough to kill, regardless of time or space. One Madame Pomfrey can't cure like she did Weasley's.**

**But how to do this… I shall have to add more wormwood I suppose, there's nothing more I can add. And, more importantly, I shall have to test it. That shouldn't be too difficult.**

**I am so concentrated with my task; I don't even realize that someone's approaching me. Someone approaching me? Just outside the Room of Requirement? This doesn't make sense; I'm the only one who knows of its existence!**

**"I know what you're doing and I want you to know that I can help you," a voice utters. The voice, feminine and quiet, yet piercing; a dagger, frightens me. What? Why would that… I unconsciously reach out for something, anything. And within seconds, I find myself backed up against a wall, though fortunately, the expression on my face has not changed.**

**How can someone's tone of voice frighten me so much? My mind immediately turns to a snakelike hiss, the sound that will foretell my death, the sound that carves me open every time I hear it.**

**Unbidden, unchecked and unexpected, the wrath in me starts bubbling to the surface. Doesn't she understand?! If he knew I was even speaking with her, he wouldn't hesitate to kill me!**

**And people… I don't want to talk to anyone, don't **_**need**_** to! Solitude is bliss; why am I forced to converse with her?! I'm already going through hell.**

**The wrath fights its way to the surface, boiling all the way, until suddenly, it explodes. I murmur a spell and watch as a gray whirlwind forms around the mudblood.**

**I smirk at her reaction; she tries to brush it away. But then she sees the expression on my face and her tone changes completely.**

**"Draco," she whispers. The fear in her voice is quite evident and I let out a small chuckle. But the anger surfaces again; she dares to refer to me by my first name? She has no idea, no **_**inkling**_** of what I've had to do to survive! The whirlwind intensifies.**

**"Draco listen to me," the mudblood begins, her voice trembling. I decide to let her speak; the fear in her voice is something I want to remember. **

**"I can help you! Truly, I only want… for you to be safe," she whispers, trembling. The word 'safe' is spoken with suck reverence; I can't help but scoff.**

**The mudblood closes her eyes briefly, realizing that this won't work. Took her long enough.**

**"Draco, whatever rivalry we had, whatever hate I felt towards you… You must believe that it's vanished. I'm not trying to lure you to your death."**

**I smirk again, the whirlwind letting up a bit. "You think I'm afraid that this is a **_**trap? **_**You really don't have any idea. You've never lived your life in fear, you've never had to look behind your shoulder every waking moment! Never!" I shout. I can see her resisting the urge to tremble, and she hides it well.**

**"He would never have to know," she utters.**

**I laugh, "as if he wouldn't find out."**

**"Albus Dumbledore?! The most powerful wizard in the world; you think he couldn't hide this?" she demands.**

**My smirk is enough of a reply. I look up at the mudblood and realize that I've pushed her against a wall. I'm in the corridor and she the one… How the table's turn…**

**"You know you're on the wrong side," she spits, the fear in her voice now lost. But that was it. With a simple twitch of my wand, the whirlwind closes in on her, intensifying. It starts moving toward her throat, getting smaller and smaller. I hold it there, watching her face. There is no terror, she isn't frightened at all. I could kill her in a moment, and she doesn't care.**

**"Go ahead," she goads. In a fit of anger and frustration I sharply jerk my wand. The whirlwind vanishes, leaving her smirking and me surprised.**

**I quickly strut away, not bothering to look back.**

**"I knew you couldn't do it," I hear her whisper. And I can't help but look back to her, a gentle smile on her face and a look of bliss in her eyes. She knew. The whole time, she knew I wouldn't be able to kill her. She was feigning terror? I turn around quickly and strut back to my room. It's not as if I can go anywhere else now. But before I go, I do one last thing.**

**My eyes filled with rage, I march back towards her and grab her by the neck. "I wouldn't be so certain," I spit, tightening my grip with every word. Her eyes don't bulge, she doesn't convulse, she simply smiles at me. I whip my hand away and strut away again, sliding my hand into my pocket, looking for my wand. This time, I don't allow myself to look back.**

**But I should've; within a second, she casts a non-verbal spell at me, causing me to fall to the floor, my arms and legs snap to my body. I hear her soft laughing as she walks away. **

**As my hand is on my wand, I easily banish the spell. I slowly get to my feet. I sweep my robes behind me and start heading back to my room. I have another hour before class starts up again, so I start a fire. This time no snakelike voice rings out; he's probably assumed that I've understood what he wants of me.**

**I throw my robes to the ground and seat myself in front of the fire. I snap my fingers.**

**"Yes, sir?" the House Elf squeaks upon appearing.**

**"Get me a glass of water," I command. The House Elf reappears seconds later.**

**"You're late. Go punish yourself," I snap, grabbing the glass. The elf lets out a whimper and leaves. I feel no remorse for the thing; House Elves are like mudbloods, their sole purpose in life is to serve purebloods and then die.**

**I look at the glass again and realize that the crystal from which it is made is quite exquisite. I gulp down the water and throw the glass to the floor, shattering it. It doesn't matter. Flat, black hatred fills me, as I expected, and I kick the pieces of glass before vanishing them into oblivion.**

Softly, deftly,  
music shall surround you

Feel it, hear it, closing in around you  
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,  
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight -  
the darkness of the music of the night

[…]

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!

[…]  
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in  
to the power of the music that I write -  
the power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight -  
help me make the music of the night . . .

**A/N If you got the song in relation to the chapter, bravo! I spent a lot of time picking it out, and I think it works quite well. For the next chapter: no ships =/= no sparks…**


	9. Poison

**A/N Heyy all! Here is the next chapter; I hope you enjoy it! School's been taking up a lot of my time, so please forgive the delay; I would love to say that it's the last, but I'm thinking that this is as long as it's going to take for me to update. Donc, enjoy!**

**Thanx: To Muse, Evanescence and the new fountain pen I just bought. ;)**

**Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine. **_**Exogenesis Part II (Cross Pollination)**_** belongs exclusively to Muse, not me. Check out their new album, **_**The Resistance**_**, if you haven't already. It's definitely worth a listen.**

**Chapter 9: Poison**

Rise above the crowd,  
And wade through toxic clouds,  
Breach the outer sphere,  
The edge of all our fears,  
Rest with you,  
We are counting on you,  
It's up to you

-- Exogenesis Part II (Cross Pollination), Muse

**The question has been buzzing around my head for days: which poison to use? I've been thinking about putting belladonna into a potion, making Dumbledore's death a long and painful process. But perhaps it'd be better, and **_**cleaner**_**, to just kill the bleeder quickly.**

**If someone were to ask me which I'd prefer to use, I'd say quick and clean. But of course, that's not the right answer. I should be saying the belladonna.**

"**What does it matter?" I mutter into my hand. I am not going to go digging into everything I do. It's idiotic, degrading, and above all, it doesn't matter.**

**I stop pacing about my room and head towards the Great Hall. Might as well have something to eat whilst planning.**

**The enormous room is blissfully empty by the time I enter. I stop by the Slytherin table and grab a handful small rolls stuffed with meats and cheeses. I look up momentarily and spot Dumbledore at the head table, speaking with Snape. Dumbledore turns towards me and gives me a sad smile, saying that he knows what I'm doing. I turn away from his sharp blue eyes immediately and strut back to my room. How dare he?! He has no idea, absolutely no idea what I've been going through, and he dares smile at me?! Arse hole doesn't even deserve to live.**

**I am ripped away from my thoughts when my mouth feels as if it's on fire. I gag and the hot roll falls from my mouth, the once white, crisp bread now brown and mushy. Damn Dumbledore! He made this happen, he made the role so hot I couldn't eat it! This is all his fault! I should use the belladonna on him; he'd deserve it. Damn him.**

**Wait, what? What was that? Because my roll was slightly warm, I decide to use a painful poison on a man? This was never my plan, never what I wanted! What if… What if, just then, I lost control and the Dark Lord was in my mind? What if he wanted me to think that? But then… Can I trust my thoughts? After all, I could be completely controlled by him if this is all it takes. Are my thoughts even my own?**

**How does one watch their thoughts? Control their subconscious feeling, it's neigh impossible! And so there's nothing I can do.**

**But no! I am sick of questioning reality! I must learn to trust my eyes, else I shall lose the capability to do so. I must keep control, must not lose, must be able to do this. And among all those things, I must not lose my mind.**

**I ignore the fire and cram the rolls in my mouth. I make myself chew; the swallowing is rather difficult, but I manage. The rolls go down, along with my doubt. I know what I must do, what I must use.**

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**This time, the Forbidden Forest is better, But I can't say why… Perhaps because of the fact that the mudblood isn't here. Perhaps because I came to accept what I must do, and how I must do it. Regardless, the forest seems to welcome me, the trees seem to keep their distance, as I like them to.**

**Belladonna grows near the border of the forest and the grounds, so I needn't go far. But for some reason, I feel like going in deeper, not necessarily to get lost, more like to be hidden.**

**There. Underneath that tree. I crouch down and place my hand under the leaves of the small plant, raising them up to face the sky. Yes, it is belladonna. I take a small knife from my waist and carefully cut a few sprigs off the bush. Without warning, my knife turns on me as I make the last cut. "Ah," I whisper softly, lifting the finger to my mouth. I suck on it slowly, tasting the sweet blood. I quickly heal the cut and get up, ignoring it. I just healed it anyway, so it should be fine.**

**The belladonna looks green and healthy, which is perfect for the potion. I place the small plant in my cloak pocket and head back to the grounds.**

**The grounds of Hogwarts seem so wide and open compared to the forest. I suppose this is to be expected, as there aren't as many trees. But the width somehow makes me want to stay outside. I decide to go to the lake. **

**I remember the last time I was here. I remember the mudblood's laughter. I remember my encounter with her.**

**She must die. The mudblood must die. There is no other option; unless I get to Dumbledore first, she must die. But then, I'm hoping I can get there first. One person, I'm sure I can kill. Two… Two makes me hesitant. Although, by all means, it shouldn't. Theoretically.**

**But no! It doesn't matter. I look down at my hand, at the belladonna. And smile: it's so perfect. It looks so right sitting there, in my palm. And it feels good. Smiling like this feels good, feels right. I slowly bring myself up and walk to the castle.**

**The Great Hall is alight with the candles floating in the air. They hover, knowing their place, not moving. This reminds me of something, but before I get the chance to complete the connection, my finger suddenly gives off a horrible throb. "Ah," I whisper for the second time. **

**And it strikes me, waves crashing into a shore; what color is her blood? I do not let the question bother me for too long, as I know I shall soon find out. It's only a matter of time before I send Greyback after her. And then I shall know if blood truly runs in her veins.**

**"Darling," Pansy greets stiffly.**

**"Dearest," I whisper back, giving her the barest hint of a smile. I expect the conversation to end there, so what she says next surprises me. **

**"I'm going to Slughorn's party with Blaise." I turn towards her looking at her face. She regards me coolly, as if defying me. Ah well, I knew it was only a matter of time until it happened. I knew she was going to cheat on me someday, I just didn't think it would be with the one person who was the closest thing I had to a friend. But I am a Malfoy, a pureblood. So this comes as no shock to me, after all, I can't even count the number of affairs mother had.**

**But for some reason this enrages me. It's not that I loved her, for I know I never did and probably never will. And I know this shouldn't enrage me, but for some unknown reason, it does. It maddens me to no end; some loyalty would be nice! But I know there's not much I can do. So I must do the only thing I can.**

**Pansy's lips loom in front of me, and I place my lips on hers, pressing slightly more than usual. I try to tell her something in that kiss, something more. But I doubt she understands. She probably just thinks I'm kissing her for pleasure. Her lips move with mine, until she pulls away. And then it's over. All I could ever say to her, all I want to say to her, contained in that one kiss. And she probably didn't even understand.**

**Blaise looks at me, a normal mask over what I can tell is an angry expression. I smirk, grab some food and quickly leave the table. It doesn't matter. I can always just get a House Elf to get me something. **

**I sit in the chair in front of the fire and lean in. The crackling fire warms my feet and provides me with a sense of warmth. Pansy doesn't matter now; I can always deal with her later. The potion is the only thing that matters now. I sit still for a while, thinking of nothing, only the moment. And then I have to get up.**

**The Room of Requirement almost looks more welcoming than my room. Almost. There is space enough for one person and the cauldron inside. It would seem very hostile indeed if not for the soft green light that bathes the room in warmth. As soon as I enter the small room, it expands slightly to show a small cabinet stocked with potions ingredients. I look at the recipe in my hand and check it against the cabinet. It appears I have everything except the rarest ingredient. I let out a groan of frustration; I had been hoping that the Room of Requirement could supply it for me. I suppose I'll just have to filch some again. Hogwarts holds no secrets for me, I can easily get into Slughorn's personal stock and grab some, as I did last time. But perhaps… Yes! It should work perfectly if I go during the party. It'll probably make Blaise uncomfortable as well. A smirk appears on my face as I exit the Room of Requirement. If everything works out, this should be over by next month. **

Spread, our codes to the stars,  
You can rescue us all,  
Spread our codes to the stars,  
You must rescue us all,  
Tell us, what is your final wish?  
Now we know you can never return,  
Tell us, what is your final wish?  
We will tell it to the world

-- Exogenesis Part II (Cross Pollination), Muse

**A/N So, review to let me know what you think about the chapter, as usual… And if you got the relation between the song and the chapter, let me know in your review; it's not so easy to understand in context… Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	10. Sparks

**A/N Well, another chapter has arrived! I was very motivated, and I think it's rather good. It's pretty light, but the next chapter will have angst galore, so just a heads up. I would really appreciate a review, especially on this chapter, so please do drop one by! Enjoy! **

**A/N the second: This has been slightly revised; about two lines have been changed, and it doesn't hinder the plot at all, nor the characterizations, so no worries. This is just a heads up for elektra30, let me know if you think it's any better. Thanks much! Bisous ~ the shattered star  
**

**Thanks: to Muse, Sweeney Todd and Fall Out Boy**

**Disclaimer: I wish, but nope, not mine. Oh, and Darts of Pleasure belongs exclusively to Franz Ferdinand.**

**Chapter 10: Sparks**

You are the latest contender  
You are the one to remember  
You are the villain who sends her  
Light or dark, fantastic passion  
I know that you will surrender  
I know that you will surrender  
I want this fantastic passion  
We'll have fantastic passion

You can feel my lips undress your eyes  
Undress your eyes, undress your eyes  
Words of love and words so leisured  
Words of poisoned darts of pleasure  
Died... and so you died

You are the latest adventure  
You're an emotion avenger  
You are the devil that sells her  
Light or dark, fantastic passion

--Darts of Pleasure, Franz Ferdinand

**Slughorn's always been a pushover. Getting him to invite me to the party was almost the easiest thing in the world; what a surprise. Bastard; as soon as one gets an O on a potion, bang, invites all 'round. Bloody moron. I should make sure Greyback gets a piece of him.**

**I've been going to classes recently, whether to avoid my task or to make an appearance, I don't know. I'd like to think the latter, but in truth, I've been so exhausted, there's no chance of me being able to plan during the day.**

**It's my dreams. They haunt me, making me see things. Almost like dementors, but worse, as there's nothing I can do, no spell I can cast to make them go away. The blood in my dreams seem so real, the screams, the death. I'm living in a nightmare… But somehow, I don't care. Because my opinions don't matter. All that matters is the fact that I know what I'm doing, and that I'm getting closer and closer to achieving my goal.**

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**History of Magic is my dullest class. But somehow, it doesn't matter; everything's dull to me, everything seems to be tainted. Even so, I sit, and don't take notes. I take out a piece of parchment and start doodling idly. I look down to see what it is that I'm drawing. It's snakes. I'm drawing snakes on a piece of parchment. I let out a small growl in frustration and tear up the page. No, that nightmare is too real, too near. It will haunt me to death unless I can clear my mind from it.**

**I slouch down in my chair and try to listen. I quickly give up; Care of Magical Creatures is more entertaining than Binn's lecture. I keep my mind occupied with other thoughts: what would be the best way to steal the ingredient I need? If I'm careful, Slughorn won't even realize it's gone. I suppose I'll just have to wait until he's drunk, cast an invisibility spell and then try and get the beetle's blood. It shouldn't be too difficult; after all, everyone knows that Slughorn can get quite intoxicated at these parties of his. A smirk appears on my face.**

**Class finally ends, and it is time for dinner. Rather, it would be if I didn't have to go to Slughorn's party. No matter, it's the last one I'll have to go to, if all goes according to plan.**

**The thought keeps prodding me; the last dinner I'll have to attend, the last time I'll have to go to the forest, the last time I'll have to watch my back. I smile ruefully and look behind me, smirking when I realize no one's there. Nothing can stop me now; I'm too far gone.**

**One thing about Slughorn; one can't deny his class. I am welcomed to the party by a House Elf who offers to take me cloak. I quickly shrug him off, not wanting a filthy House Elf touching my cloak. I look about the room, a constant smirk on my face. Appearance is all that matters, appearance is everything. I walk about the room, not knowing what to do. I must wait until Slughorn's drunk enough that I can slip past him, but until then, I have nothing to do. So I take a fire whiskey and down it. It burns my throat, almost numbingly, so I take another. No wonder people find it so easy to get drunk.**

**I continue exploring the room, ignoring everyone, except Blaise, whom I smirk at occasionally. He seems to be gritting his teeth, which causes me to smirk. Arrogant bastard doesn't know what's coming to him.**

**Wait… Over there… Is that…? NO! It's as if she haunts me. But… Why is she behind a curtain? It can't hurt, and it's not as if I have anything better to do. Wait what was that? Of course I do! Anything is better than speaking with a mudblood! But suddenly I have no option as someone takes hold of my arm and drags me behind the curtain. I turn curtly to ask the person if they could please **_**get off me**_**, I find that I am face to face with –**

**"What the hell are you doing here?!" Her voice sounds more scared than angry, though I can't bring myself to know why. I didn't even… Argh!**

**"Good bye, mudblood." **

**"No, wait!" the mudblood shrieks. "Don't leave; you can't!"**

**"Mudblood, of all the times to develop a strange infatuation with me, this is—"**

**"No, don't go!" she insists, pulling on my arm. I swiftly brush her hand off me and stand still.**

**"Why can't I leave?" I ask tersely.**

**"Because then… Then McLaggen will know where I am," she whispers.**

**"And this is truly my problem; don't let my tone fool you, I really care," I say, sarcasm wetting my words. She doesn't even flinch.**

**"Believe me, you won't want it either. Unless you want to be looking behind your back every moment," she threatens. For some reason, this prospect scares me; perhaps because I've been basking in this idea of everything being final, perhaps because of her tone of voice and perhaps… Perhaps because I'm actually afraid she may do something. I shrug off the thought quickly though; what could she possibly do?! It's not like she'll kill me, she won't even use an Unforgivable. But for some reason, I sit behind the curtain, not moving.**

**"Isn't Potter somewhere here? Can't you get him to save you from McLaggen, or whatever?" I ask curtly.**

**"He couldn't make it," the mudblood utters quietly.**

**"Why, did he die?" I ask, a cruel laugh accompanying my question. She just looks at me.**

**"Don't you ever get tired of keeping up pretenses?" she asks. Has she forgotten the incident that happened only a few days ago; I tried to kill her! And before that too! **_**But you didn't, **_**a small voice in my head whispers. But that shouldn't matter! The fact is I could kill her if I wanted to, but she refuses to leave me alone!**

**"Don't," I whisper. "Don't try having a heart-to-heart with me mudblood," I say, spitting out the word. She flinches and her eyes harden. But then the coal that was in them just a second ago suddenly dies down. She shakes her head, almost in amazement. I can't help myself. "May I inquire as to why you are shaking your head?" I ask formally. Any discussion I have with a mudblood is sure as hell not going to be casual. This doesn't happen everyday; in fact, this is the day hell should be freezing over; me talking to a mudblood. I can't imagine what father would say. Nor can I imagine what the Dark Lord would say, but I can imagine what he would do. The mudblood interrupts my gruesome thoughts.**

**"Nothing…" she says quietly. "It's just that… You seem so lost." Lost? Truly, this is the best she can some up with? Stupid mudblood, thinking the best of people. It will be the death of her in the end, of that I am certain.  
**

**"I know exactly where I am," I snap, my voice daring her to challenge me. I don't expect her to, so her response takes me by surprise.**

**"Really? Because I find myself quite lost." Oh really? As if that's my problem. I have other things to think about, things that are both more entertaining and more important than this. Why am I even here? I could very well just get up and leave. But something's holding me back… It wasn't the fact that she threatened me, rather, I think it's because I don't want anyone to see me. I'd rather talk to a mudblood than have people see me? What's happened? But more, perhaps it's just because I want an alibi and I know if no one sees me it'll provide me with a more solid one. Yes, that must be it. So for now, I'm trapped behind a curtain with a mudblood. I look at her face and realize that she's waiting for me to respond.**

**"I can't imagine why that would be," I mutter, mentally cursing. I used a contraction; my guard went down for a moment. **_**Oh shut up**_**, I think. It was nothing, it doesn't matter. In any case, I only have one goal from this evening. And I will get it. A mudblood won't hinder my plans.**

**"Oh can't you?" she whispers. "Think about it, even the fact that I'm speaking with you is wrong. I shouldn't care about what you're doing, but I do, I shouldn't let you live, but I am, I shouldn't—"**

**"Stop!" I command, my voice sounding unusually loud. No, that was— No, I— No this isn't right! This shouldn't work this way; I'm in control, it shouldn't matter, no, no, no! It doesn't matter, she was just guessing. And that's nothing like what I'm going through! Nothing! I am so involved in my thoughts, that I don't even realize what's happening. The mudblood moves closer until her face is directly in front of mine.**

**"You belong in hell," she says, her voice poison. I can't keep in control, can't do this. I flinch at her voice. My eyes close.**

**"Don't," I whisper roughly. Something changes then. That wasn't what she was expecting. Her expression is one of surprise. And then something that I can't describe, some sort of spark occurs. And she keeps moving in, keeps getting closer until our noses are almost touching. This is revolting. What the hell is she doing? My expression is one of disgust, but she pays it no heed. I try to move back, but find that I can't.  
**

**And then, her mouth rests on mine, her lips moving in time. But to my surprise, I find my lips moving with hers. What is this? Why don't I pull away? I find that in some perverse corner of my mind, I am enjoying this. But what? I never found pleasure in Pansy's kisses, but this is different. It feels as if the mudblood is trying to give something to me, something like… comfort? But I don't… I open my eyes. Her eyes are closed, but her eyebrows are furrowed, as if she's worried about something. I close my eyes again, and concentrate on her kiss. It feels good, though I can't imagine why. Perhaps it's because this is a small escape from the world.**

**But suddenly it stops. She darts away, not looking back, traveling the narrow space behind the curtain. I didn't notice what she was wearing, but now I notice. But still, what does that matter? Why am I—**

**"Have you seen Hermione?" I see a boy pull the curtain away. I don't respond; with my fingers on my lips, I swiftly leave, veering towards the drinks. I grab a bottle of fire whiskey, pry open the lid and take a long draught. I may be the one getting drunk tonight.**

I know that you will surrender  
I know that you will surrender  
I want this fantastic passion  
We'll have fantastic passion

You can feel my lips undress your eyes  
Undress your eyes, undress your eyes  
Skin can feel my lips they tingle - tense anticipation  
This one is an easy one, feel the word and melt upon it  
Words of love and words so leisured  
Words of poisoned darts of pleasure  
Died and so you died

--Darts of Pleasure, Franz Ferdinand

**A/N Please do review because I need to know what you think! Merci! Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	11. Denial

**A/N I know, I know, short chapter. But the song's rather well known; please don't let the song taint the mood of this chapter; consider it my gift to you, dear reader. ;) Enjoy!**

**Thanks to: Muse, the All American Rejects and Fall Out Boy.**

**Disclaimer: Believe me, I wish. But no. And Dirty Little Secret belongs exclusively to the All American Rejects.**

**Chapter 11: Denial**

I'll keep you my dirty little secret,  
(Dirty little secret)  
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret,  
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)  
My dirty little secret,  
Who has to know?

When we live such fragile lives,  
It's the best way we survive,  
I go around a time or two,  
Just to waste my time with you.

--Dirty Little Secret, The All American Rejects

"**Mmmph," I groan. I wake to find myself on the floor of my room, my head turned at an uncomfortable angle. I try and move, but the blinding headache in my eye prevents me from doing anything. My first thought turns to a question of being drugged. But no, then I remember the events of last night; a bottle of fire whiskey doesn't go down without leaving some sort of mark I suppose.**

**I try getting up again, and again, I fall to the floor. I curse violently and try and turn so that I'm on my back. I stare up at the ceiling, trying not to vomit. I turn my head slightly and see that there's a small bottle in my hand. I turn the bottle slowly in my hand and realize it's the beetle's blood. So I did get it; that's good… And then it strikes me, crumbling me to pieces. Shit. I kissed the mudblood. I guess it could've been worse; I could have slept with her… What?! Where did that come from? Why— I let out a horrible cry, all my feelings pouring out into the stream of my voice. This isn't happening, it never did, I can't— I can't live knowing that I've kissed the girl I'm supposed to be killing! What have I done?!**

**And I enjoyed it too. I liked it, found pleasure in it. How is that possible? She doesn't even strike me as attractive! I never wanted for this to happen… I can't, I can't let anyone know; it never happened. I groan again, waiting to vomit.**

**I don't want to think about this. Because as long as no one knows, it doesn't matter, right? After all, as long as **_**she **_**doesn't tell anyone, it doesn't matter. And then the feeling of utter desertion comes, and my stomach attempts to eliminate all the alcohol I've forced it to down. The green bile goes everywhere, leaving nothing untouched. I cringe and groan again, wishing for all this to stop. The headache isn't helping me think clearly either.**

**I feel my eyes going bleary again, and I succumb to the darkness.**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**My eyes open again. I raise my hand and push it against the floor. I can finally drag myself up. I limp to the toilet and relieve my bladder. I give a sigh of relief, change my clothes and sit down on the chair in front of the fireplace. I light the fire with my wand, place my head in my hands and close my eyes. I start to remember what happened at Slughorn's party; I remember drinking from the bottle, grabbing a bottle of the beetle's blood and leaving. I don't recall anything else, just the kiss. How did that happen? How did I allow it to happen?**

**I can't think of anything, nothing to back me up, nothing to support me. It shouldn't have happened, but now that it has— NO! It doesn't matter. I get up off the chair and start pacing, ignoring the dizziness. I still wish her dead, and it's not as if I even like the girl. She still means nothing to me, still deserves to die in my eyes! So no, it doesn't matter, as long as I don't care, and I've still kept my opinions, nothing matters.**

**I sit back down on the chair and let the fire warm my feet, letting it wash over me, calm me. I let out a sigh of relief; it doesn't matter! A small smirk appears on my face as I imagine the mudblood face while Greyback starts on her. She will die slowly, of that I am sure. Greyback has no mercy, least of all for mudbloods.**

**I feel as if a large weight has been lifted off my back; I sigh again and rest my head against the back of the chair, falling asleep again.**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**Awake, I feel alive. The alcohol has finally made its way out of my system, which allows my head to clear. I give a rather mad looking grin and jump out of my seat. Nothing can stop me now; with the mudblood out of my way, there is absolutely nothing that can stop me from reaching my goal.**

**But that small pinprick, that tiny feeling of doubt. What if… What if I don't wish her dead? Isn't she a person too? **_**Yes, but she's a **_**mudblood**_**! **_**a small voice in my head exclaims. I shake my head roughly; no. I can not have doubts now, I can't look back, can't think. I don't have time, nor do I have the need. The only thing that matters is the fact that I have the last ingredient that I need. Which entails potion making. I get up off the chair again and twist my neck, ridding it of tension.**

**I snap my fingers.**

**"Yes sir?" the House Elf squeaks.**

**"Get me a piece of toast," I command brusquely.**

**"Yes sir!"**

**I recline on the chair, slouching and closing my eyes. The House Elf returns within moments.**

**"You're late," I murmur. I hear the elf squeak as he places the toast on the small table beside me. "Go punish yourself." I wave my hand in his general direction, hearing him squeaking again. I smirk after he leaves, relishing my power.**

**It feels so good. To be able to dictate something's very existence; bliss. I feel as if I've done this before, felt this before, **_**seen **_**this before, but I shrug it off; this is no time to be analyzing. This is a time for action. I reach over, grab the piece of toast and leave. I start eating it on my way down to the Room of Requirement. I contemplate whilst eating; somehow, my thoughts turn to blood. More specifically, the mudblood's blood.**

**A strange thought cannot escape my mind; what color is it? Is it truly brown, as the Dark Lord has been telling me? Or is it red, like that of purebloods? I smirk again, knowing I won't have to wait long to find out. I make a mental note to use the vanishing cupboard sometime in the near future. I must make sure the mudblood is taken care of.**

**The Room of Requirement welcomes me once again, the soft green light inside glowing coolly, as always. My potion waits for me, begging me to drop the last ingredient into the gaping cavity. I smirk, one more time, thinking about what will happen when I force this potion down Dumbledore's throat. I can imagine the convulsing and the screaming; this is the most painful way I can think of to make him pay for what he's down. Damn him and his tolerance! He would have the entire wizarding race wiped out in an instant. One person in danger, and the entire world can end, so long as that one person survives.**

**I feel comforted in my knowledge that I am, in fact, doing the right thing. They say I'm on the wrong side. Ha! They have no idea that their leader would lead them to destruction in an instant. Bloody idiots.**

**I take the bottle out and uncork it, watching the slightly frothing liquid bubble softly. I pour the bottle's contents into the potion, watching the entire thing turn a deep green. How suiting; green for death. Ironic even…**

**I take a flask and fill it with the potion, watching it bubble as I pour it in. I cork the flask and shrink it, placing it in my pocket. I smirk once again, and out of the Room of Requirement. I let the room I was just in die in my mind. It now ceases to exist. I then imagine a new room, one with only one thing. A bird. And a cage. After all, I must test this potion, no?**

Who has to know?  
The way she feels inside (inside!)  
Those thoughts I can't deny (can't deny!)  
These sleeping thoughts won't lie (won't lie!)  
And all I've tried to hide  
It's eating me apart  
Trace this life back!

I'll keep you my dirty little secret,  
(Dirty little secret)  
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret.  
(Just another regret)

Who has to know?  
Who has to know?

--Dirty Little Secret, The All American Rejects

**A/N I know, I know, filler, but I think it was rather important. So, next chapter: torturing of birds, and a visit to Borgin. Review! Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	12. Power

**A/N A new chapter has arrived; yay! I hope you enjoy; don't forget to review. ;)**

**Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, not mine, etc… I Don't Care belongs exclusively to Fall Out Boy.**

**Thanks to: Muse**

**Chapter 12: Power**

I don't care what you think  
Just as long as it's about me  
The rest of us can find happiness in misery

-- I Don't Care, Fall Out Boy

**The bird looks at me quizzically, wondering what I'm going to do to it.**

**"You'll know soon enough," I whisper softly to it in answer to its unspoken question.**

**I take the bird out of the cage, running my finger down its head while doing so. It feels very soft and light, like cream on a cake.**

**I take the bottle out of my pocket.**

**"Argh!" I scream, falling to the floor. I manage to keep the bird in my hand. It looks at me expectantly.**

**"What?" I ask through gritted teeth. I pull myself up and put the bird back. I raise my sleeve. There it is, glowing, black, the snake slithering violently, yelling at me to leave. I have to get out of the castle, have to get off the grounds. I groan in pain, clutching my arm as I leave the room, letting it transform into another. I reenter the room to be greeted by the vanishing cupboard amongst other things.**

**"Ahh…" I sigh in relief, knowing that the pain will soon end. I have time to think. A dangerous thing, that is. What if it's the Dark Lord that's calling? Has he found out about the kiss? But no, it shouldn't matter; after all, he won't just kill me on sight. He'll let me explain… Won't he? I can only hope. Either that or it's someone else calling me altogether… I hope fervently for the latter, but either way it can't be good. After all, only the Dark Lord's most trusted circle is able to call a specific Death Eater, Unless… Unless this is something completely unrelated. The Dark Lord could be calling all of us. But no, that can't be… No, I must clear my mind; anything is possible, I must not fixate on something that may not be true at all.**

**My thoughts are swept from me when I exit the cupboard and come face to face with Aunt Bellatrix. The fire in my arm promptly comes to a close, my agony with it. It's only Aunt Bella. The worst she'll do is the Crutiatius and that only if she gets very irritated. Curious though, that she should be exactly at the spot I came to. I was prepared to have to Apparate somewhere.**

**"Draco," she croons. I show her a small smile and answer.**

**"Aunt Bella," I say, inclining my head in respect. She nods in approval then approaches me. Suddenly I hear a squeak. I turn my head abruptly towards the noise and spot Borgin. I had almost forgotten he was there… Ah well, he's backed himself into a corner to be out of the way anyhow.**

**"How are you, Draco?" my aunt asks, a rather frightening smile on her face. But then, everything is frightening about this woman unless you know her.**

**"Fine," I say, not sure where this is going.**

**"Before you ask, I'm only here because your mother sent me," she says, rolling her eyes. "I told her that the Dark Lord saw it fit that you were to complete your task on your own, but she insisted." Just like Aunt Bella, no apology about causing me needless pain, just complaints.**

**"As you see before you, I am doing well, Aunt," I say rather curtly.**

**"Yes, yes I can see that," she says briskly, her eyes scrutinizing my face. "How soon do you think it will take you to complete your task, Draco?" she asks, her eyes glinting.**

**My eyes narrow. Selfish bitch, all she cares about is what **_**she'll**_** have to do. "Dumbledore should be dead by the end of this month," I say bluntly.**

**"Ah, good," she purrs, "I assume you will let us know when the exact date will be."**

**"Of course," I answer coldly. Aunt Bella nods, her eyes still shining with anticipation. She turns on the spot and Disapparates.**

**"Borgin!" I bark. I hear the timid response, not paying any heed. "Tell Greyback that I want a special death for a certain mudblood; I'll come back with something of hers so he can smell her out."**

**"Y-yes, sir," he stutters. I turn on my heel and walk back into the cupboard, closing the door behind me.**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**The Great Hall is packed with people. I, as usual, ignore them all, picking my way through the crowd. I sit alone at the Slytherin table, watching Pansy and Blaise share looks. Poor boy has no idea what he's gotten into. I fill my goblet with water and raise my glass towards them. I drink the water and smirk at the irony of the whole situation. Stupid girl. I laugh and shake my head. I spot a face across the room and the expression leaves my face.**

**The mudblood stares at me intently, her head cocked as if she's just asked me a question. I glare back, waiting for her to look away. No! I don't have to wait! I turn abruptly and leave the Great Hall, leaving my doubts behind. She must die. The feeling in me right now needs to be disposed of.**

**If anything, the kiss has only made me harbor more passionate hatred towards her. I storm to my room and bang the door upon my entrance.**

**I twitch my wand violently, lighting the fire. I fall into the chair in front of it and lean against the chair. It creaks softly, taking in my weight. I must be able to control my thoughts. Must stop thinking about it, must be able to clear my thoughts.**

**I groan quietly, thinking about how close I am to my goal. I can almost touch it; I simply need to extend my arm. My gaze bores into the fire, piecing it like a jet of water. And before my eyes, a picture unfolds. It seems to be a lion. A burning lion. A true smile appears on my face. I use my wand to torture the lion, making it suffer in the heat, almost killing it, but at the last moment, I bring it back from the brink of death, only to start all over again. A never ending cycle. A mad laugh escapes my throat, a smile appears on my face, my hair becomes wild, framing my face in a halo of tangles. And then, finally, the lion lays its head down and stops moving. I've killed it. A shout of triumph is released and I laugh again. I stare intently at the dead lion in the fire. I rub my face with my hands. When I look back into the fire I see nothing. Only the blazing flames.**

**Where did it go?! No, no, I must control myself; it doesn't matter. It was probably just that the fire consumed the lion.**

**It doesn't matter! All that matters is that it was a test. And I prevailed. There is no chance of failure now. There is only success. And power of course. Power, the only thing this task is worth; power over others, power to dominate others. Whoever they might be…**

**I find myself walking towards the Room of Requirement, my face upturned with its usual smirk. And now I shall test my beautiful potion. I almost feel sorry for the bird; death's claws are upon it still. Ah well, no matter, it wouldn't have lasted very long anyhow. **

**I open the door to the room and step in, finding, as I had anticipated, a bare room with a bird in a cage.**

**The bird's bright yellow plumage is a stark contrast to the rest of the room, which is relatively neutral.**

**I quickly brush the thought off my mind; it doesn't matter anyhow. I am so close, close enough to taste the victory, the triumph. **

**I unlatch the cage and reach my hand in to take the bird out. It climbs willingly on to my hand, impatient to go to its death. I smirk at it before reaching into my pocket and drawing out the small glass vial full of poison.**

"**Enjoy," I whisper, pouring three drops of the brew down the bird's throat. There is an unknown glint in my eyes, something strange, unexpected.**

**And then it begins. The bird starts shuddering, not violently, simply softly, as if I were moving my hand gently. But then it starts cooing, softly at first, asking me to stop. But then it gets louder, faster and louder until it fills the room.**

**The convulsions become more violent, more dangerous. I barely manage to keep it in my hand. It continues to convulse and coo for what seems like an eternity. A mad look enters my eyes. Yes, this is going exactly according to plan. I laugh quietly, enjoying the sight of the dieing bird.**

**But then, suddenly it ends. The bird dies the cooing stops. But this is not what gets to me. It continues shuddering after it has died. Like a puppet on strings, its body moves as if it is still alive! I let out a scream of horror. Time seems to stop as I tilt my palm towards the floor, letting the dead thing fall to the ground. It does so, slowly, its wings lifting for a moment, giving off the allusion that it's still alive. But it keeps shuddering, the convulsions wracking its small body, torturing it even after death. I run out of the Room of Requirement, my eyes shut, trying to forget what I've seen. I turn abruptly and enter a room. **

I don't care what you think  
Just as long as it's about me  
The rest of us can find happiness in misery

-- I Don't Care, Fall Out Boy

**A/N I know, I know, I only used the chorus, but the rest of the song really wouldn't work at all with this chapter. Leave a review, if you please. Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	13. Doubt

**A/N New chapter in less than a week, lucky you! I guess this is my vain attempt to join NaNoWriMo, but don't worry my dear readers, I'm planning to do that in July, and not in November. So this story WILL SEE AN END! And also, I would just like to remind everyone that there are NO SHIPS in this story (one is implied, but something will happen to prevent it) and also that the ending will be SAD, tragic even. I'm only letting you know because this story may end quite soon. Also, the song is actually Japanese, so that's why the grammar may be slightly sketchy at bits. So there you are, all the updates for this week. Enjoy and LEAVE A REVIEW.**

**Thanks to: Muse. Love ya!**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, etcetera… What's Up People?! belongs exclusively to Maximum the Hormone.**

**Chapter 13: Doubt**

We've always been this to feel all this pain.  
We've always been this to feel all this pain.  
Convenience, convenience, yeah, convenience, convenience, yeah.  
Convenience, convenience, yeah, human.  
See now, isn't it starting to hurt you? Hurt you, human?  
See now, isn't it starting to hurt you? Hurt you?  
Hurt you, human?

-- What's Up People?!, Maximum the Hormone

**It is conveniently abandoned. I know where I am, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I've killed something. It died by my hand, it was my doing, my fault. I find myself in front of a basin with no memory of walking there. And I loose control completely, loose myself, turn weak.**

**I can't do this, it is impossible for me to do this! But if I don't… Suddenly a memory takes hold of me.**

The boy was shoved mercilessly into the small room. He shivered when he saw the chair inside, quite certain that his master was sitting on it.

"You c-called for me, my lord?" the boy asked, his voice terrified. He mentally cursed himself for stuttering. He couldn't afford any mistakes with his father in prison and his mother too heart broken to do anything but sit at home weeping.

"I need you to complete a task for me," the voice hissed in response to the boy's question. The boy didn't say anything, waiting for his master to finish. "You will kill Albus Dumbledore."

One could hear a page turn. The room was silent. The boy was scared. To kill someone? He wasn't sure he could do it. To end a person's life, to silence them forever? But the boy had to do it. He had no choice, no other options. If he wanted to survive, he needed to kill someone. A life for a life. It was a fair trade, really. And after all, how hard could it be? Like killing an animal really, no different. But of course, his master needed no reply. Unless the boy wanted to be killed right then and there.

Just as the boy was about to leave, his master turned around in his chair to face the boy.

"And if you fail," he hissed, "you needn't bother coming back. There will be nothing left for you here."

The boy held back a gasp and just nodded curtly. His master turned away from him, and the boy left.

**Tears stream down my face, unwanted, unchecked. I can't do this. If that's what the potion does to a small creature, how can I bear watching a man go through that? I know I cannot.**

**I grasp the basin tightly for support and try to stop gasping. I bow my head, accepting the end. So I shall die then, along with my mother and my father. **

**"Don't." a voice croons. "Don't… Tell me what's wrong… I can help you…" It's Moaning Myrtle. She can't help me, no one can! But for some reason, I find myself answering her.**

**"No one can help me. I can't do it, I can't… It won't work… and unless I do it soon… he says he'll kill me…" my voice tapers off as I realize that I'm shaking. I look into the mirror and see— what's he doing here?!**

**I turn abruptly and shoot the first spell I can think of at him. Potter avoids it and sends another which I quickly deflect. Myrtle's yelling something, I don't know what. It doesn't matter. My only goal now is to dispose of Potter, damn the rules!**

**My spell hits a dustbin. Potter's reflects off the mirror and at this point I don't even care any more. My face contorts as I yell **_**"Cruci—"**_

__**"SECTUMSEMPRA!" Potter bellows.**

**The pain is immediate, instantaneous. The spell causes enormous wounds to open all over my body. I am thrown to the floor, bleeding. The water on the bathroom floor soaks up the blood. I'm drowning in my own blood. I unconsciously begin shaking, convulsing as the bird did just moments ago. I close my eyes in defeat. I faintly hear Potter's voice.**

**"No— I didn't—" WELL IT DOESN'T BLOODY MATTER NOW! I'm lying in a pool of my own blood. Of course you did, Potter, OF COURSE YOU DID! My agony is not shown on my face, only pain.**

**Potter falls to his knees beside me, not knowing what to do. Myrtle screams and something I can't hear. If I could, I would groan. But the pain prevents me from speaking at all.**

**I wince as the door bangs open. Snape enters the bathroom. What is he doing here? He looks at Potter briefly, the turns to me. He traces my wounds with his wand and mutters something. The blood stops flowing out of my body. I heave a sigh of relief; at least I won't bleed to death. Snape repeats the spell again and my wounds seem to knit together a little. Snap does the spell yet again, this time having no visible effects.**

**Snape lifts my upper body into a sitting position. I grit my teeth in an effort to keep from crying out. He must not think me weak. Doubtless he's report it to the Dark Lord and then I'd face a fate much worse than bleeding to death.**

**I grasp my wand and manage to pull myself into a standing position. Snape helps me across the bathroom, but not before turning to me. "You need the hospital wing. There may be a certain amount of scarring, but if you take dittany immediately we might even avoid that." We? There is no "we." I will never work with Snape, I never could. Imagine working with someone you respected! We would be fighting for control. But regardless, I say nothing. I simply let my godfather lead me across the bathroom. He turns towards Potter.**

**"And you Potter…" he says. "You wait here for me." A smirk appears on my face. I can imagine what he will do to Potter. I almost feel a twinge of remorse. Almost. But he deserves worse. Bastard. Was he aiming to kill? There is no doubt in my mind that he was. He deserves to die, filthy half-blood.**

**Snape helps me down the long corridors of Hogwarts, supporting my upper body where most of the damage has been done. He starts speaking to me quietly. I attempt to listen.**

**"… and you should have been more careful, Draco. I…" Nothing I haven't heard. I resist the temptation to roll my eyes. Instead I close them, trying to forget what's just happened. Potter beat me. I—what?! That makes no sense at all! How is that possible?! How can he have bested me?! No, it was just a moment of weakness, just one moment. I haven't failed yet, just gotten a little further away from my goal. No, hope has not abandoned me yet. I have not been defeated yet. I still have a chance to kill him, still have a hope of victory.**

**I try and ignore the pain in my chest, but it proves to be impossible. The cuts, though not very deep, are tainted with dark magic, something that will obviously leave a trace. Where did he learn that spell?! It will not go unpaid. I shall have my vengeance. And I shall beat Potter.**

**Snape continues his monologue as we near the hospital wing. I keep walking, letting him support me, but I know that my legs will give out soon unless I stop. But still, I push on knowing that the hospital wing is not far.**

**Just as my leg gives a horrible throb, the hospital wing appears around the corner. I enter and vaguely hear Snape muttering something to Madame Pomfrey. She then leads me to a bed and tells me to sit while she fetches the dittany. I comply and almost fall on to the bed. Upon her return, Pomfrey declares that I shall need to stay until Saturday at the earliest. I spit out the dittany.**

**"Saturday?!" I blurt out. "It's Tuesday today!" Pomfrey gives me a terse look.**

**"Yes, thank you for informing me of the day. You will stay until Saturday, end of discussion," she says, her lips pursed. I open my mouth to say something, but it is quickly filled with more essence of dittany. Pomfrey stands there until I've finished the whole jug. Afterwards she gets up and leaves, telling me to expect some lightheadedness and nausea. Wonderful. Exactly what I'd want after almost bleeding to death.**

**I throw my head against the pillow and lie on the bed on my back, my hands behind my head. I was such an idiot. Stupid bird. Why was I so disgusted by it? I've seen things die before, this was the same thing! Or at least, it should've been. My thoughts make no sense; the bird meant nothing. Only what will happen. I can't care about this. And I don't! It was just the doubt, I suppose but…**

**I erase the thoughts from my mind. It was a moment of weakness. That's all; I'm sure even the Dark Lord has had them before. But I must control my mind in order to avoid these. And I will. For I must, unless I wish all that is dear to me to vanish.**

**A strange thought strikes me as unconsciousness starts to sweep over me: Where will I get something of the mudblood's?**

What's up with the many insecurities?  
The crime won't stop forever.  
What's up with the many insecurities?  
The grudge's trap. Who's going down?  
What's up with the many insecurities?  
The crime won't stop forever.  
What's up with the many insecurities?

-- What's Up People?!, Maximum the Hormone

**A/N Review. Merci. Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	14. Certainty

** A/N Voici, the third to last chapter. Well, it has to end at some point I suppose… Enjoy! Leave a review, if you please.**

** Disclaimer: Not mine. Uprising belongs exclusively to Muse.**

** Thanks: to Muse and Coldplay.**

** Chapter 14: Certainty**

Paranoia is in bloom,  
The PR transmissions will resume,  
They'll try to push drugs that keep us all dumbed down,  
And hope that we will never see the truth around  
(So come on)  
Another promise, another scene,  
Another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed,  
And all the green belts wrapped around our minds,  
And endless red tape to keep the truth confined  
(So come on)  
They will not force us,  
They will stop degrading us,  
They will not control us,  
We will be victorious  
(So come on)

-- Uprising, Muse

_**The girl reaches her hand out towards me, her face carrying a lilting smile. I call out her name and cup her cheek in my hand, looking straight into her eyes. The girl keeps smiling as she slowly vanishes. "NO!" I cry out.**_

** I wake to find myself on a bed in the hospital wing. I turn on my side, trying to ignore the horrible dizziness I've been having. Bloody dittany. I groan quietly before I spot someone sitting on a chair right next to my bed. Why would someone be in the hospital wing in the middle of the night? I notice that the person, whoever she is, has long unruly hair. It seems to be the girl from my dream. I reach out my hand to touch her hair, to see if this is still my dream. Her hair feels soft, but my fingers tangle in it. And then she strikes. Faster than I had thought humanly possible, the girl grabs my wrist and turns to face me.**

** "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she asks, poison dripping from her words. It's the mudblood! I was having a dream about **_**her?**_** No, surely not! I yank my hand out of her grasp and sit up, ignoring the pain in my chest.**

** "I could ask you the same thing." She stares at me, silently trying to figure out why I was touching her hair. Something even I don't know. But I forbid myself to think about it; just get the mudblood to leave, and then I'll have time.**

** "At least I have an answer," she says, smirking. That's not like her… I shake my head violently. What would I know! I barely spend any time around her; she's a bleeding mudblood! What is this? "You tried to kill Harry." No. What? What was that? **_**I **_**tried to kill **_**him?**_

** "**_**I **_**tried to kill Potter? What are you playing at?!" I scoff. Moron. I have more important people to kill. "**_**He **_**tried to kill me. Why do you think I'm in the hospital wing? I assure you, it's not for my own enjoyment," I snap. How could she think that I was trying to kill him? She who knows who I'm trying to kill.**

** "No. I think Harry had to curse you so that you wouldn't kill him." Her voice is so irritating! She wasn't even there, what would she know? Only what Potter told her…**

** "Did Potter mention what curse he cast on me?" I ask quietly, my voice dangerously low. Hopefully she'll get intimidated and leave so I can have my thoughts to myself.**

** "He told me everything. Including how you tried to cast an Unforgivable on him." She raises one eyebrow as if this proves everything. My wand is on my nightstand. If I can just get to it… I make a dive to my left, trying to reach it, only to find it isn't there.**

** "Looking for this?" the mudblood asks, holding out my wand. "Do you take me for an idiot?" What kind of question is that? Yes. Of course I do. There is no way I can get it from where I am now. She'll just snatch it back. I shall actually have to find out what she wants.**

** "What do you want?" I ask tiredly. Just leave. Please!**

** "I want to know what you're trying to do. I want to know why you tried to kill Harry and I want you to stop," she says loudly.**

** "I didn't try to kill him, he surprised me and I attacked him because I was afraid he was going to attack me. OK?"**

** "Or, you were trying to get to him so you could get to Dumbledore." What sort of logic is that? How would that help me at all?**

** "Oh, because Potter is doing so much to protect him," I say, rolling my eyes. "Is that all?" Just leave, damn you! I just want to get my thoughts in order and go to sleep.**

** "You know Harry means a lot to him. You know that they've been having private meeting. You were hoping to weaken Dumbledore's hope." What was that? Private meetings? No, I didn't know that…**

** "And? You are making no sense mudblood. I would get nowhere by killing Potter." I check the clock on my bedside table. It flashes 4:15. No sane person would be up at this hour. Stupid mudblood.**

** "You would be helping Voldemort." She dares. She dares say his name. My face contorts; what right does she have?! Filthy mudblood. "Perhaps I underestimated you," she whispers, turning her head at an angle, surveying me. She doesn't seem to notice the rage on my face. I stare at her. Underestimating someone can be a weakness, but overestimating them can be one as well.**

** "Perhaps you have," I answer curtly. It doesn't hurt for her to believe that I'm after Potter. Perhaps it'll even get her off my trail.**

** "You won't kill Harry and you won't kill Dumbledore." A bold statement. But untrue.**

** "And how would you know?"**

** "Because you can't," she whispers. "Because if you do, you know I'll hunt you down. Nowhere will be safe for you; you'll be looking behind your back every moment."**

** "I am scared," I say, sarcasm tainting my voice. Stupid girl. She could never kill me, regardless of what I've done.**

** "Either that or your conscience will stop you," she says, smirking.**

"**Get out," I say, suddenly tired and irate.**

** "No."**

** "Get out!" I say, my voice rising.**

** "NO!"**

** "GET OUT!" I roar, my voice causing her to flinch. She looks at me for a moment, throws my wand on the bed and leaves, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Finally. Peace. Peace? No, this will be worse than her being here. I can't sleep. I'll be haunted if I do. So I must stay awake. And think, I suppose. I pick up my wand and put it under my pillow. I'll vow to never leave it out of my reach again. I close my eyes for a moment and open them immediately. The bird. It convulsed on the ground, dead. I killed it, yes, but I tortured it as well. And it couldn't do a thing about it. It cried out for help, and I just stood there, laughing at it.**

** But that is how it should be! The bird was none of my concern; it's only purpose was to serve me! I should feel no remorse, I should feel nothing! It didn't matter, just as the mudblood doesn't matter. **

** And as for Potter… Potter will be next. He deserves to die, filthy half blood! How dare he attack me! I did nothing to him! A small voice in my mind begs to differ. I quickly silence it; no, because all that matters now is Dumbledore dead. After that, everything will fall in to place.**

** A thought strikes me; Potter and Dumbledore are having private meetings? I can't imagine what they would discuss… I shall have to tell the Dark Lord; I will do so as soon as my task is complete. I cannot believe it. That's all it was? The doubt in my mind has vanished; there is no question anymore. I know what I must do, and I know how I must do it. A smile appears on my face; all I need is one night. Dumbledore usually leaves during the afternoon and returns in the evenings. Just one night, and I shall no longer live in fear.**

** I look over to the chair the mudblood was sitting in. Much to my surprise, I notice she's left her book on the seat. **_**Hogwarts a History**_**, it reads. She carries that thousand page book around? Idiot. But no matter; this is perfect. All I need to do is hand this over to Greyback and she's as good as dead. I put the book in my bed side table's drawer and look up at the ceiling. This will be so easy. So incredibly easy.**

* * *

** I ignore Pomfrey's words about being careful and not exerting myself, drape my tie around my neck, and head towards the Room of Requirement. She let me out in the evening just to make sure I wouldn't collapse. Stupid woman; I've been fine for the past three days; it's not my problem if you're a paranoid moron.**

** I enter the room, looking about. Everything is still there, piled in messy heaps, just as it should be. I look at the book in my hand and wonder why the mudblood still hasn't come back to fetch it. She's probably forgotten. No matter; as long as her scent is on it, she is dead.**

** The cabinet whisks me away with a swirl, and, for the third time in as many months, I find myself in Borgin and Burkes. "Borgin," I greet calmly. He looks at me, then jumps back surprised. He has a customer, so I leave him be and walk about the store. Sure enough, within moments Greyback enters the small shop.**

** "Just a regular visit?" I ask him upon his entrance. I assume it is, but I need to make sure the Dark Lord didn't send him.**

** "Not anymore I see," Greyback rasps, his eyes hungry.**

** "I have a task for you," I say. "When we storm the castle, I would like for you to kill the owner of this book. You may do whatever you please with her, so long as she dies."**

** Greyback takes the book and sniffs it, looking up at me. "Whose is it?"**

** "Just a mudblood of no consequence," I answer indifferently. The werewolf smiles. I smirk back and enter the cupboard again, closing the door behind me. **_**You should be thanking me for this, mudblood. I could have him simply bite you and let you live a cursed life. Think of this as my gift to you for your concern.**_

__**The siege promises to be everything I have ever imagined. Glorious with death and despair throughout the castle. Chaos. I laugh gleefully, thinking of all I have achieved, and all I have yet to do. There is no safe corner of the Earth for mudbloods and blood traitors. Not anymore. My laugh grows to fill the room.**

** "Who's there?" a voice calls out. My laughter stops abruptly. I don't care who it is. They have disturbed me.**

_**"Moerkium!" **_**I bark. All signs of light quickly vanish. I smirk in pleasure. I make my way around to the person, whoever it is, hoist them by their legs and throw them out the room.**

** "How—**_**dare—**_**you—aaaaargh!" the woman yells upon landing on the ground. She was attempting to place bottles of sherry in the Room of Requirement. Stupid woman. I close the door firmly and step back, smirking.**

** My thoughts turn to the siege again. Ah yes, it will be wonderful. **

Interchanging mind control,  
Come let the revolution take it's toll,  
If you could flick a switch and open your third eye,  
You'd see that  
We should never be afraid to die  
(So come on)  
Rise up and take the power back,  
It's time the fat cats had a heart attack,  
You know that their time's coming to an end,  
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend

--Uprising, Muse

**A/N Review. Danke. Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	15. Completion

** A/N This is the longest chapter yet. It contains direct quotes and dialogues from HBP; obviously I don't own them. This is the penultimate chapter not including the epilogue. Reminder that it DOES NOT END HAPPILY. Anyhow, please leave a review!**

** Disclaimer: Nope. Still not mine. Though I stand firm to the fact that Draco owns himself, no matter what anyone says. (Yes, this chapter was slightly emotional for me)**

** Chapter 15: Completion**

You have broken me all the way down  
Down upon my knees  
And you have broken me all the way now  
You'll be the last you'll see

—All the Way Down by Glen Hasard; from Once

**This is my last night at Hogwarts before the siege. And it's not as if I'll be returning; this is it. I find I can't sleep, so I grab my cloak and head out to the corridors. And I realize for the first time just how much I despise it. Well no, not the building itself, rather, all the memories that it triggers. Everything, from my first day here, to the day Potter attacked me.**

** The great door that serves as the front entrance opens as I approach it. I look at it in surprise; it is past curfew after all. I shrug away my doubt, walking through the door and onto the grounds. The darkness envelops the shrubbery and the lake, making everything look like one big blur. I blink repeatedly, trying to make out shapes in the darkness. After a minute I stop trying; it's not as if there'd be anything remotely bad out there. This is still Hogwarts, still the school that has the great wizard Dumbledore as its Headmaster. For now. He does not know it, but Dumbledore should be savoring this night. It will be his last.**

** No, I can't think about it now. Because if I do, I will surely start doubting. But no, will I? I reflect upon the idea quickly and find, to my surprise, there is nothing that is questioning my actions. Nothing stands in my way. A true smile appears on my face and I laugh quietly. I can do this. And I'll be alright. And so will mother. I breathe a sigh of relief. Everything will turn out as I planned. **

** The journey back to the castle is short; I take off my cloak and drape it over my shoulder. I look at the clock and am surprised to see that it is only one in the morning. I thought it was four at least. I shall just have to wait it out I suppose. I've already alerted the other Death Eaters. So now there's nothing for me to do but wait until Dumbledore leaves tomorrow. Preferably after classes, but I suppose I'm flexible. I loosen my tie and take it off, throwing it to the floor. I unbutton my shirt, light the fire, take off my shoes and lie back in bed with my head against the backboard, my hands behind my head. I take a deep breathe, close my eyes, and don't sleep. **

* * *

**Today. Today is everyone's last day at Hogwarts. Rather, their last day at Hogwarts as they know it. I'm sure it will face serious reforms. Classes pass excruciatingly slowly, leaving me alone to my thoughts. But today I face no doubts. For I know what I must do. And I know how I must do it. **

** Dumbledore is not at dinner. I smirk and leave the table, grabbing a few rolls to eat while planning. This is my last time to the Room of Requirement. I enter, and sure enough, everyone is there. I greet them all, but now everything seems to flash by, leaving me no time to think. For I know that my task will be complete within a few hours. And that thought frightens me. What if the Dark Lord can not find a use for me after this? I scoff at the thought; this, if anything, is ensuring my place as a Death Eater, as a loyal follower. **

** I decide to wait for a few hours. I know Dumbledore won't be back for a while, so I may as well wait for his return. I find my own corner to eat my rolls in while the other Death Eaters talk amongst themselves. When the clock strikes eleven, I decide to go. After all, it's been over four hours; what could Dumbledore have been doing for so long? I decide to go over the plan with everyone else. It's not complex at all, but certain among us need very **_**specific**_** instructions.**

** "Remember," I say, "do not hesitate to clear your path." The Death Eaters nod, though I can tell they're not very happy with one so young as myself as their leader. As I expected, Crabbe senior does not understand what I'm getting at.**

"**Just kill whoever is in your way!" someone barks. Crabbe nods.**

"**I can do that," he says, his voice very low. I roll my eyes. Truly, stupidity irks me to no end.**

**We head out. At first, I don't see anything or anyone in the corridors. And then they start pouring out. I catch sight of the mudblood heading towards us, her expression calm. I can't. I can't see her die. But then, if I can't watch a mudblood die, how can I kill Dumbledore? I stay put, watching my fellow Death Eaters advance on her. Suddenly, I spot people behind her. A lot of people. **_**Shit.**_** How did she know that we were going to attack tonight?! There was no way she could have known! No matter, I need to try and get into Dumbledore's study. But it's too late, by the time I turn around there's someone behind me. And they're looking the other way. Perfect.**

"_**Petrificus Totalus," **_**I say calmly, watching whomever it was fall to the floor. I make a dash for Dumbledore's office, not knowing how long I have. Within a minute I hear screams. Within five, the Dark Mark is sent up. Everything is happening so quickly, but I only have one objective: get to Dumbledore's office.**

"**Chocolate frogs, fizzing whizbee, cockroach cluster, acid pops!" I yell, voicing every sweet that comes to mind. On "acid pops" the gargoyle lurches back. "I've got it!" I yell, motioning for some of the Death Eaters to follow me. As they do so, I see someone on the floor. A wave of nausea overcomes me, though I can't place why. After all, it shouldn't. It probably just another person that's been hit by a minor spell. Except that there's blood streaming from his body. No matter, I can think about that later. For now, I just have to climb up to Dumbledore's office, and complete my task. There it is. The door seems to mock me, taunting me to try and enter. I blast the door off its hinges with my wand and yell **_**"Expelliarmus!"**_** And sure enough, there he is. Old bleeder. This will be so easy… I look behind me to see that all the Death Eaters have left me. Suddenly a cold wind sweeps over me. I am all alone. And I am expected to kill the man in front of me.**

**Dumbledore is wounded. I forbid myself from thinking about that; I will only face more doubts. I spot a broom next to him. Two brooms. Two?**

"**Good evening, Draco," he greets. Calm. Perfectly calm. The man doesn't know what's coming to him. I step forward, trying to stop shivering.**

"**Who else is here?" I ask, inclining my head toward the other broom.**

"**A question I might ask you," Dumbledore says. "Or are you acting alone?" He has no idea. Absolutely no idea what was going on **_**right under his nose!**_

"**No, I've got back up. There are Death Eaters here in your school tonight," I say, trying to make this sound like a common happenstance.**

"**Well, well. Very good indeed. You found a way to let them in, did you?"**

"**Yeah," I say panting. "Right under your nose and you never realized!" No, I must not gloat. Just kill him and be damned! But I can't. I want to know what he is about to say. I need to know.**

"**Ingenious. Yet…forgive me…where are they now? You seem unsupported." Stupid man. Thinks he has a chance.**

"**They met some of your guards. They're having a fight down below. They won't be long…I came on ahead. I— I've got a job to do." Damn it, why did I stutter! I mentally curse myself. I am so concentrated that I almost miss Dumbledore's next words.**

"**Well, then, you must get on and do it, my dear boy." Don't you dare. I am not your 'boy.' You mean nothing to me, NOTHING! Wait, did he just say… He wants me to kill him? What is this? "Draco, Draco, you are not a killer," he continues. I've never heard that before. YOU DON'T KNOW ME OLD MAN! You don't know ANYTHING! I restrain myself from yelling my thoughts.**

"**How do you know?" I demand. "You don't know what I'm capable of, you don't know what I've done!"**

**Dumbledore's response shocks me. "Oh yes, I do. You almost killed Ronald Weasley. You have been trying, with increasing desperation, to kill me all year—" After this I lose track of what he's saying. He knows. He's always known. From those looks in the Great Hall… He knows everything! I can feel my hands ball into fists. Everything is over; he has a plan. He must. I hear his last words: "I wonder whether your heart has been really in it."**

**I can't help myself. "It has been in it!" I protest. I don't know what I was thinking, but I continue. "I've been working on it all year, and tonight—" A muffled yell interrupts me. What is happening down there? Was that the mudblood? I am shocked to find myself bristling. I can't bear the thought of her dead. What's happening here? Just because an old, decrepit wizard starts talking to me my conscience returns?! I am so involved in my thoughts that I miss what Dumbledore says next. I continue staring at Dumbledore. Then I finally hear the words coming from him.**

"**I see. You are afraid to act until they join you." No! No I'm not… I just…**

"**I'm not afraid! It's you who should be scared!" I scream. The man thinks he knows everything. Well he bloody well doesn't.**

"**But why? I don't think you will kill me, Draco. Killing is not nearly as easy as the innocent believe…" The innocent? He believes this to be my first kill! How would he know?! He continues: "So tell me, while we wait for your friends... how did you smuggle them here? It seems to have taken you a long time to work out how to do it." I cannot help the smirk that appears on my face. He had no idea. Absolutely no **_**inkling**_** of what I was doing. I can't help the words that escape my mouth.**

"**I mended the Vanishing Cabinet that no one's used for years. The one Montague got lost in last year."**

**Dumbledore sighs, though it sounds like a groan to my ears. And then I completely loose my nerve. He's wounded. Why? How? What… No! All this means is that my task will be easier. Less dependant on my wizarding abilities. I finger the small flask in my pocket. It seems to be begging me to open it and pour its contents down the old man's throat. I must admit, it's hard to resist. "That was clever… There is a pair, I take it?" I quickly explain what happened the year before, how Montague had to Apparate out even though he didn't know how. "Very good…" he murmurs. "So the Death Eaters were able to pass from Borgin and Burkes into the school to help you… A clever plan… and as you say, right under my nose." How is anyone to resist something like that?**

"**Yeah," I say smugly, "Yeah, it was!"**

"**But there were times, weren't there when you were not so sure you'd succeed in killing me directly. And so you resorted to crude and badly judged measures such as sending me a poisoned bottle of mead. A bottle there was only the slightest chance I'd drink…"**

"**Yeah, well you still didn't realize who was behind it, did you?"**

"**As a matter of fact, I was sure it was you." What? No… That can't be… My mission was kept in strict secrecy!**

"**Why didn't you stop me then?" I demand.**

"**I tried, Draco. Professor Snape has been keeping watch over you on my orders—"**

"**He hasn't been doing **_**your**_** orders, he promised my mother—"**

"**Of course that is what he would tell you, Draco, but—"**

"**He's a double agent you stupid old man! He isn't working for you, you just think he is!" I blurt out. How can he be so oblivious?**

"**We must agree to differ on that, Draco. It so happens that I trust Professor Snape—"**

**I interrupt the man, telling him everything about how Snape has been trying to **_**help**_** me and not trying to stop me. He doesn't believe me. He then asks me about the mead. How I got the idea. Why the hell does he care?! He's about to die, and this is what he asks me.**

"**I got the idea of poisoning mead from the Mudblood Granger. I heard her talking in the library about Filch not recognizing potions." **

"**Please do not use that offensive word in front of me." He actually seems **_**uncomfortable!**_

**I voice my thoughts. "You care about me saying "mudblood" when I'm about to kill you?" I scoff.**

"**Yes, I do. But as for being about to kill me, Draco, you have had several long minutes now, we are quite alone, I am more defenseless than you can have dreamed of finding me, and still you have not acted…" I taste something bitter in my mouth. Doubt. It's come back. Uninvited, of course, but this mad man has a way of rising my conscience that I was not aware was possible.**

"**I am to take it, then, that nobody has been murdered?" My thoughts flash back to the body I tripped over. If it's her… No, it doesn't matter who it was. Someone is dead.**

"**Someone's dead. One of your people…I don't know who; it was dark… I tripped on the body trying to get in here…" My voice trails off. Dumbledore seems to completely ignore my words.**

"**There is little time one way or another, so let us discuss your options, Draco," he says. Options? What options? He's the one that's going to get killed!**

"_**My**_** options?! I'm standing here with a wand— I'm about to kill you—"**

"**My dear boy," he starts. Don't. Stop! Just shut up and let this be over with! "Let us have no more pretenses about that. If you were going to kill me, you would have done it when you first disarmed me, you would not have stopped for this pleasant chat about ways and means." Or perhaps I just want people to see what I've become, who I've become! Someone much improved. A killer. The Dark Lord has changed me for the better! I have been forced!**

"**I haven't got any options!" I spit out. "I've got to do it! He'll kill me! He'll kill my whole family!" I get completely lost in my thoughts. It's true, I have no doubt he will kill my family, but there must've been some way to prevent it, someway to stop this all form happening. And then my thoughts turn to the mudblood. She truly was trying to help me. And I was completely blind. Please don't be dead! I will personally kill your killer damn the consequences. Wait, what? No, she deserves to die! She deserves whatever Greyback throws at her! Her and all of her kind. What's happening to me? I thought I had dispelled all this doubt… I hear Dumbledore's last words: "I can help you, Draco."**

"**No, you can't. Nobody can. He told me to do it or he'll kill me. I've got no choice." Dumbledore proceeds to explain how he can help. He can make it seem like we're all dead. The Dark Lord wouldn't go looking after someone who's dead, would he? But it wouldn't work. He's too clever for that…**

"**Come over to the right side, Draco," he says. "You are not a killer."**

"**But I got this far, didn't I? They thought I'd die in the attempt, but I'm here… And you're at my mercy." My eyes narrow momentarily. No, there is no doubt now. He truly is at my mercy. I hear Dumbledore whisper something.**

"**No, Draco. It is my mercy, and not yours, that matters now." Stupid old man. I am about to respond when I hear feet crashing through the door. Amycus's voice rings out above the thrall.**

"**Dumbledore cornered! Dumbledore wandless, Dumbledore alone! Well done, Draco, well done!" he exclaims. I nod my head in recognition of his words, but I keep my eyes fixed on Dumbledore.**

"**Good evening, Amycus. And you've brought Alecto too… Charming…" Dumbledore says, trailing off. Alecto laughs almost nervously.**

"**Think your little jokes'll help you on your deathbed then?" Alecto asks. I almost smirk at her voice. She wouldn't be so cocky if her brother wasn't here. Dumbledore makes some polite reply. And then I hear Greyback's raspy voice.**

"**Do it." I have a strange urge to ask him about whose been killed. Whether or not he killed her. He and Dumbledore trade words for a few moments. I ignore them, getting my wand ready. For some reason, I find myself terrified, though I can't place why. Perhaps I should have just killed Dumbledore when I had the chance instead of listening to him. But this way they'll know it was me. They'll know.**

"**Come on, Draco, do it!" Amycus yells at me. Everyone can tell I'm shaking and it's a sign of weakness. Suddenly a yell: **_**"They've blocked the stairs—Reducto! REDUCTO!" **_

"**Now, Draco, quickly!" Greyback pushes me out of the way, screaming "I'll do it!" No, I can't let him! I hold him back with my arm and he quickly remembers his place. Behind me. Snape enters.**

"**We've got a problem, Snape," someone says. "The boy doesn't seem to be able—" This is it. The last surge of doubt has passed me. Because I can do it and I will. Right here, right now. That man lying on the window will die, by **_**my **_**hand! All thoughts of the poison have vanished. And before Snape can reply—**

"_**AVADA KEDAVRA!" **_**a voice screams, filling the entire castle.**

And in the morning  
When you turn in  
I'll be out of reach  
And in the darkness  
When you find this  
I'll be far to sea

— All the Way Down by Glen Hasard; from Once

**A/N Cliffhanger. I know. Review. Gracias. Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	16. Love

** A/N Here it is, the most tragic chapter I've ever written. Hopefully his emotions are explained well. ;) There will be an epilogue after this.**

** Thanks to: my iPod. ('twas on shuffle)**

** Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. Though Draco, you will always belong to yourself. Once does not belong to me. It belongs exclusively to Glen Hasard and Marketa Irglova.**

** Chapter 16: Love**

Hear the sirens call me home  
Hear the sirens call me home  
Part of me  
Has vied  
To watch it burn  
And the heart of me  
Has tried  
But look what it's become

—Once by Marketa Irglova and Glen Hasard

**The world freezes. There is no one here, save Dumbledore and I. I take in a shocked breath and look down at my hand. And there it is, my wand pointing directly at him. No, no… It wasn't me! It wasn't by my choice! I was being forced to do something I didn't want to! And yet… It was me who yelled out the curse, me who aimed the wand… This was all my doing. And this is all I wanted. And I should be happy, I should be ecstatic! But I'm not. Now, more than ever, I feel helpless, cold and alone. I have killed a man, ended his life, and for what? Because someone told me to? Because I knew he was planning to save people?**

** Time catches up to me again. Dumbledore's dead eyes look disappointed. Disappointed? Why would— Well it doesn't bloody matter now! HE'S DEAD! The old man was thrown back by my spell, and he falls gracefully out of the window. I choke back tears. I can't. I can't lose myself in front of all of **_**them**_**. I turn quickly and face all of the Death Eaters. I steal a look at Snape's face and am shocked to find that he also looks disappointed. Why? Why would he, unless… No. No! He was working for Dumbledore. All this time, and I was fool enough not to see it…**

** It doesn't matter! Because there is no good or bad! Everything's been distorted into one huge blur. I feel the tears streaming out of my eyes, washing invisible grime off my face. I descend the stairs slowly, placing each step carefully and deliberately. And then I'm downstairs again, all the chaos swirling around me. And I can't deal with it. Not right now. Not after I just killed an old helpless man. I wipe my eyes with the heels of my hands and miraculously find a secluded corner, one without dead bodies. I avoid being hit by spells with sheer luck. There are bodies littering the floor, how many dead I do not know. Nor do I want to. And if she— I owe her, I realize. I killed someone she loved, I owe her. And her, trying to help me… Why would she even bother! A strange bout of rage overtakes me. Why didn't she try harder, why didn't she tell him?! She could have stopped all of this from happening. She could have stopped my killing someone. **_**Don't, **_**says a small but firm voice in my head. And I know I shouldn't. It wasn't her fault. All of this was my fault. All my stupidity, all my weakness. It was my fault for not letting her in. For ignoring her, for not paying attention.**

** My fingers find their way into my pocket. There I find the poison. I look around and look at all the deaths I've caused, all the people I've hurt. **_**Why not? No one will miss you anyhow.**_** There is no hesitation.****I grasp the small bottle and drink it down, emptying every last drop into my body.**

** The mudblood sees me do this. Her expression changes, she looks shocked, scared. She quickly disposes of the first Death Eater, trying to get to me. I smirk at her, knowing it's too late. I shall die, and it will be for the better. I can't live with myself knowing what I've done.**

** Pain. Sheer, white, blinding pain takes hold of me. My muscles can not cope with this kind of pressure. I fall to the ground. I haven't started convulsing yet, but I know I will soon. And even though I thought I was prepared to die, I find that I am not. I still want to do one thing. Say goodbye to the one girl that meant anything to me. I find myself wanting to say goodbye to the mudblood.**

** I faintly make out another Death Eater that's gotten in her way. She duels with this one for quite a time, but she disposes of him in the end. As I start convulsing, she finally reaches my side.**

** "What have you done?!" she cries in despair. I look up at her face. This is for the better. It never would have worked out between us. It doesn't matter!**

** "I killed Dumbledore," I say, my voice shaking in pain. Her eyes close for a second. She opens them quickly. I can tell she's resisting the urge to yell.**

** "Killing curse?"**

** "Yeah."**

** "Belladonna?" Her question surprises me. How did she know?**

** "How did you—"**

** "I noticed you were collecting it," she says. And I suppose I could be wrong, but it seems to me as if her eyes are collecting tears. And then I see it. I somehow manage to raise my convulsing arm to her cheek and touch the blood there. It's red. Everything, **_**everything**_** has been a lie. I have been deceived for all my life. But now there is nothing I can do. I'm dying, and I caused it. I suppose I was in control of at least one thing.**

** "Your blood. It's red," I gasp out. There. There are the tears. She closes her eyes and they make their way down her face.**

** "Yes, it's red," she whispers, her voice still strong. "Why did you kill him?" Her eyes suddenly seem to have rage in them.**

** "I didn't think I could. But I did. Voldemort," I say. There, I said his name! Blasphemous as it may be, I've said it. Her eyes are on fire again.**

** "He's killed at least two people tonight," she says. And then I start convulsing harder. My limbs shake, and my hand falls from the mudblood's cheek. She knows I'm near the end. "Say my name," she whispers. Her name? Why? Although I suppose I've never said it before… Do I even know it?**

** "Hermione," I whisper. And then she breaks down, tears streaming down her face, hiccupping. "No, don't," I plead. "You'll see. It'll be better without me. No one else can get hurt by my hand."**

** "Except me," she says. She looks into my eyes and presses her lips to mine. This time there is no hesitation. I'm dying, and I want this. I press back. Tears fall on my face, and I'm not sure whose they are. She kisses me fiercely, as if her kiss will force some life into me. Though I know it won't, I kiss her for as long as I can.**

**FIN**

**A/N I know, I know, sad tragic, WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! But at least now you can't say I didn't warn you. Stay tuned for the epilogue. Review. Bisous ~ the shattered star**


	17. Epilogue

** A/N Title is self explanatory. Enjoy.**

** Thanks to: Muse**

** Disclaimer: Plot's sort of mine, everything else that seems remotely familiar belongs to JKR.**

** Epilogue**

**His lips stopped pressing against mine.**

** "Draco?" I questioned. There was no need. He was dead, I knew. I bowed my head and rested it on his chest. No one deserved to die like that. No one. I closed my eyes in defeat. Did I love him? I think, maybe, just for that moment, I might've. I might've loved Draco Malfoy. But how could I love Dumbledore's killer? I couldn't, I suppose. It all came to no use anyways; Draco died. Permanently removed from this world. I would never curse him for being prejudiced, I would never kiss him again.**

** I smiled a sad slow smile. Perhaps it was for the best. Who knows if he would've survived Azkaban?**

** The Death Eaters had all left, leaving me alone with the dead and the unconscious bodies. Yet I felt reluctant to move. This was the last thing I had left of him. And, why not admit it; I was sad that he died. He didn't deserve it. It shouldn't have happened. Voldemort will pay.**

** I looked around at the destruction, but I couldn't make myself move. I just wanted to stay there, next to Draco, my head on his chest. How could he! Why couldn't he stop himself from killing! But I knew this wasn't his fault. Draco deserved none of my blame or pity. My love is what he truly needed. Or **_**someone's **_**love. He had been so neglected. And I couldn't see that.**

** Ironic, that he should die with my blood on his hands. I touched the cut on my face and found it to be still wet. I really should've gotten up, but I couldn't face what lay ahead. I didn't want to know who had died. But I knew I had to. And I knew that no matter what I did, the dead would remain so. Yes, I loved Draco Malfoy. But it all came to naught. So it shouldn't matter; by my recollection, it never happened.**


End file.
